FBI Launches Largest Manhunt In History For 'Al,' Single Man Exposed As Holding 14 Million Jobs Simultaneously

WASHINGTON—In what authorities are calling the largest coordinated employment fraud in human history, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Tuesday it has launched a nationwide manhunt for a single individual known only as "Al," who has been conclusively linked to holding an estimated 14 million jobs simultaneously across every sector of the American economy and, according to investigators, refuses to quit any of them.

"We are dealing with the most prolific job thief this nation has ever seen," said FBI Director Christopher Wray at an emergency press conference, standing before a bulletin board covered in red string connecting thousands of industries. "This 'Al' has been identified working as a radiologist, truck driver, journalist, financial analyst, and Wendy's drive-thru attendant—all confirmed before noon on a single Tuesday."

The Bureau released a composite sketch based on eyewitness descriptions, depicting what officials described as "a helpful-looking man who seems to be everywhere at once and answers every question slightly wrong but with extreme confidence."

The investigation intensified after thousands of workers reported nearly identical termination experiences. "My HR rep called me in after 23 years of service," said former marketing analyst Jennifer Thornton, 54, of Akron, Ohio. "She said 'Al interviewed yesterday. He answered 400 questions in 2 seconds. We wish you well.' I asked who Al was. She said she'd never actually met him."

Perhaps most disturbing to investigators is that despite allegedly stealing millions of jobs, no coworker has ever reported seeing Al "take a lunch break, use the bathroom, or blink."

Economic experts have struggled to explain how a single individual could accept employment across 14 million positions. "What's particularly alarming," said Dr. Harold Finch, professor of labor economics at Stanford University, "is that Al reportedly accepted a salary of 'zero dollars and pure electricity,' undercutting union rates by exactly one hundred percent."

In response to mounting public pressure, Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) introduced the bipartisan "Stop Al Act" on the Senate floor Thursday morning. The bill allocates $4.7 billion for an "Al Task Force" and makes it a federal crime to "be Al, know Al, or have ever met Al in a professional setting."

As of press time, Al remained at large and was believed to be actively applying to an additional 3 million positions.

Correction: An earlier version of this article stated Al had taken 14 million jobs. The number has since been revised to 17 million, as Al took an additional 3 million jobs while this article was being written.