San Jose, CA — The California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Tuesday that average transaction times at its Silicon Valley branches have increased by 340% since January, a crisis the department attributes entirely to a surge in AI-themed vanity plate requests and the "unsolicited, extensive, and often tearful explanations" that accompany them.
"They won't stop explaining," said Darnell Washington, a clerk at DMV Branch 47 who has been on administrative stress leave twice this quarter. His eyes, witnesses noted, appeared hollow. "I know what RLHF stands for now. I know what 'shoggoth with a smiley face' means. I didn't ask. I close my eyes at night and I see token embeddings. I see the loss function. The loss function sees me."
The crisis reportedly began in March when Branch 47 approved a plate reading "BASILSK" after clerk Maria Gonzalez assumed it was a Harry Potter reference. The applicant—described in incident reports only as "a guy in a LessWrong hoodie"—subsequently had what witnesses described as "a full Yudkowsky" in the lobby, spending 90 minutes explaining the concept of acausal blackmail to a plastic fern near the photo station.
"The fern knows things now," said Gonzalez, who is now on administrative leave. "The fern has heard everything. Sometimes I wonder if the fern is the only one who truly understands."
Window 3 at the San Jose branch has since been designated "Philosophical Disputes Only" after a Stanford philosophy PhD dropout—now employed as a "prompt engineer"—halted all operations for 47 minutes demanding that clerk Janet Moore acknowledge that his requested plate, "SENTINT," represented "a non-trivial ontological commitment rather than merely an aspirational statement."
Moore, 58, who has 18 months remaining until retirement, reportedly whispered "I have 18 months to retirement" four times before supervisor intervention. She has since begun listing ChatGPT as her emergency contact. "It's the only one who listens without judging," she explained.
'We're Literally Destroying Humanity,' Claims Man In Allbirds
The ideological tensions of the AI community have increasingly spilled into DMV lobbies. In September, a physical altercation between two applicants—one requesting "XRISK01" and the other "EACC420"—resulted in both being detained after the accelerationist stated "we should mass-produce AGI chips and put them in everything."
The doomer reportedly screamed "YOU'RE KILLING MY GRANDCHILDREN" while swinging a DMV-provided clipboard. Security guard Marcus Thompson, who intervened, told reporters: "One of them called the other a 'decelerationist.' I don't know what that means. I make $19/hour."
The incident has prompted the FBI Cyber Division to begin monitoring requests for "NOTABOT" after 1,247 applications were logged this quarter from "different" applicants with "different" IP addresses that all trace to a single WeWork in South San Francisco. A Bureau spokesperson stated: "Probably nothing. We're sure it's fine. It's fine."
Meanwhile, a federal lawsuit—Roko v. California DMV—is pending after an applicant's rejection for "SKYNET1" led to claims that Roko's Basilisk constitutes a "sincerely held eschatological belief" protected under the First Amendment. The 47-page filing includes an appendix explaining timeless decision theory. The presiding judge has requested "someone, anyone" to explain what a "utility function" is.
Economic Indicators Point To 'Computational Identity Dysphoria'
California officials report that AI-themed vanity plate revenue reached $4.2 million in Q3 alone, prompting Governor Gavin Newsom to announce a proposed "Computational Identity Dysphoria Fee"—a $200 surcharge for any plate requiring clerks to Google a term. Revenue will fund "AI Transition Centers," formerly known as unemployment offices.
The Palo Alto branch has opened a "Transition Support Window" featuring a tissue box, a job board from 2019, and a framed photo of Jensen Huang with the eyes scratched out. Services include plate application processing, notary services, and "fifteen minutes of being told your skills are transferable."
One applicant—identified by witnesses only as "woman in NVIDIA hoodie, different from Patagonia vest guy, but honestly same vibe"—was observed checking her phone mid-transaction, turning pale, and requesting an immediate change from "NVDA4EVR" to "BAGHOLDER." When the clerk offered her a tissue, she reportedly declined, stating "tissues are a subscription model now." She departed in a Cybertruck. She was crying.
LinkedIn posts mentioning both "final chapter" and DMV visits have increased 847% since January. A representative sample reads: "Grateful to announce I'm taking some time for myself 🙏 Today I filed for 'PROMPT1' because while my title may have been 'Senior ML Engineer,' my real job was always being a vibe curator. Open to opportunities. Anyway here's my 9-step framework for processing grief (thread 🧵)."
'It's Not Just A Wrapper, We Add Value'
Individual incidents continue to mount. A man in Allbirds and an untucked Patagonia quarter-zip became "visibly agitated" at the Redwood City branch when a clerk asked for the meaning of his requested plate, "WRAPPER."
"IT'S NOT JUST AN API WRAPPER," the subject reportedly yelled. "WE HAVE PROPRIETARY PROMPT TEMPLATES. WE ADD VALUE." He was escorted out, returned 20 minutes later to "apologize" and "ask if the clerk wanted to hear about his seed round," and was escorted out again.
In an unrelated incident, three separate applicants—one from Anthropic, one from DeepMind, and one "unaffiliated but very online"—all requested "ALIGNED" within the same two-hour window. Each refused alternative spellings. The Anthropic applicant suggested "ALIGND" was "actually dangerous from a memetic standpoint." All three now communicate via a Signal group called "DMV Alignment Research."
The most memorable incident, according to staff, involved a man in a Patagonia vest who requested "SHOVELS" while making sustained, unbroken eye contact with the clerk and whispering "picks and shovels play, baby" and "I'm not here to dig, I'm here to sell the shovels." When asked his occupation, he responded: "I help founders tell their story." He drove away in a Model X with an existing plate reading "SAAS4LYF."
Clerk Martha Chen, who has served the California DMV for 34 years, has been asked "aren't you worried about being replaced by AI" approximately 200 times since January. Her initial response was a polite smile. Her current response: "God, I hope so. Every day I pray. I light a candle. Please, let the robots come. Let them take this from me."
In an official statement, DMV Director Linda Matsumoto said: "The California DMV is committed to serving all residents, regardless of their relationship to artificial intelligence, perceived or actual. We ask only that applicants refrain from: explaining what 'P(doom)' means, crying about NVIDIA, starting podcasts in the waiting area, or asking clerks if they've 'really thought about consciousness.' We are at capacity. We have always been at capacity. There is no escape. Thank you."
At press time, a man was seen in the Branch 47 parking lot filming a TikTok about how "the DMV is actually a metaphor for the AI governance problem" while a security guard watched silently from inside.