SOUTH LAKE TAHOE — In what industry analysts are calling "the logical conclusion of late capitalism," Alpine Summit Resort announced this week that it has successfully manufactured an entire winter season using approximately one hot tub's worth of water, industrial-grade optimism, and the precise linguistic cadence of a controlled substance distribution operation.

"We've probably used 500 gallons of snow to put the product we have up on the hill," said Derek Holloway, the resort's marketing director, in a statement that linguists at Stanford have confirmed is structurally indistinguishable from testimony in a federal narcotics trial. "It's just been a waiting game with temperatures."

"To be honest with you, the last seven years I've been here, I've never seen this dirt. I've never seen these rocks."— Marcus Chen, 34, who apparently believed mountains were snow all the way down

The revelation that mountains contain materials other than snow came as what Chen described as "a profound shock" after his seventh consecutive annual visit to the resort. Geologists at UC Davis, reached for comment, expressed what one researcher called "deep concern for the state of American geological education."

"Mountains are composed primarily of rock and sediment," confirmed Dr. Elena Vasquez, chair of the Earth Sciences department. "This has been true for approximately 4.5 billion years. Has Mr. Chen attended third grade? We have questions. Many questions."

The Ouroboros Engine

Perhaps most notable is the resort's solution to the absence of natural snow: deploying snowmaking machines powered by fossil fuels, which emit greenhouse gases, which contribute to global warming, which reduces snowfall, which necessitates more snowmaking machines, which require more fossil fuels.

Industry analysts have dubbed this the "Ouroboros Engine" — a reference to the ancient symbol of a serpent consuming its own tail, except in this case the serpent is also somehow charging $289 for a lift ticket.

"It's actually a perfect business model. They've achieved infinite demand through environmental destruction. It's elegant, really, in a way that makes you want to lie down in the snow — if there was any."— Dr. Raymond Okonkwo, Stanford School of Business, before requesting a moment alone

"We remain committed to providing our guests with the alpine experience they expect," said Holloway, gesturing toward what appeared to be a brown mountainside with occasional white patches. "The product speaks for itself."

When asked to clarify what he meant by "the product," Holloway stared silently for approximately 11 seconds before repeating: "The product."

The Geological Awakening

Chen, the visitor who discovered the existence of dirt, told reporters he had spent seven consecutive winters at Alpine Summit without once considering what the snow might be resting on.

"I just assumed it was more snow," Chen explained. "Like, snow under the snow. And then under that, I guess I thought there was just... more snow? Maybe some kind of snow bedrock?"

When informed that "snow bedrock" is not a geological concept, Chen asked if he could have a moment to "process some things."

The resort has since issued a FAQ document titled "What Is Under The Snow: A Guide For Guests," which includes diagrams of rock formations and a glossary defining terms such as "soil," "granite," and "the planet Earth."

"The temperatures have been challenging. But we've been able to put the product on the hill. And that's what matters. The product. On the hill."— Derek Holloway, speaking like a man who has said "the product" too many times to stop now

The Economics of Manufactured Winter

According to financial documents obtained by the HuckFinn, Alpine Summit spent $4.2 million on snowmaking operations this season to cover approximately 12% of skiable terrain. The remaining 88% of the mountain is what executives are calling "aspirational skiing surface" and what everyone else is calling "dirt."

Lift tickets have increased 340% since 2015, when the resort began what internal memos describe as "transitioning from a weather-dependent to a weather-optional business model."

"We prefer to think of ourselves as a snow creation company that happens to have a mountain," said CEO Patricia Windham in the resort's annual report. "The mountain is really more of a suggestion at this point."

At press time, snowmaking machines had been activated despite outdoor temperatures of 47°F, with Holloway telling reporters: "We're just waiting for things to cool down a bit so we can really get the product going."

The machines have been running for 72 hours. No snow has accumulated.

Correction: An earlier version of this article stated that Alpine Summit was "manufacturing winter." The resort has asked us to clarify that they are manufacturing "a winter-adjacent experience." We regret the error, and frankly, everything else about this situation.