⚡ BREAKING: Pentagon Discovers History Exists, Expresses Surprise ⚡
Vol. CXXV, No. 47 Est. 1899 — "The Year We Started Forgetting" Price: One Congressional Mandate
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Exclusive Investigation • Historical Reckoning • Convenient Timing

Army Honors Black War Hero 125 Years Late, Just In Time To Solve Different Problem

Pentagon's "Proud Tradition Of Honoring All Who Served" Activates For First Time In Century After Congress Passes Law; Pvt. Fitz Lee Unavailable For Comment Since 1899

Fort Gregg-Adams, VA — Pvt. Fitz Lee received America's highest military honor in a Texas hospital bed in the summer of 1899. Ten weeks later, he was dead—blind, homeless, no next of kin. Seventy days. That's how long it took the United States to process a Black war hero from "Medal of Honor recipient" to "body in a pauper's grave." The Army moved him through the system with a speed and efficiency it would never again apply to his memory. For the next 125 years, nothing. Then someone at the Pentagon needed a Black guy named Lee.

The discovery came, sources say, sometime in late 2022, when officials tasked with removing Confederate names from military installations realized they had what internal memos reportedly called "a Lee problem." For 125 years, a major Army base in Virginia bore the name of Robert E. Lee—a man who resigned his U.S. Army commission to wage war against his own country in defense of slavery, lost, and became a symbol of a cause dedicated to human trafficking.

"We had a Lee problem. Fortunately, we found a Lee solution."
— Pentagon official who requested anonymity because they were being too honest

Congress said: remove the name. The Pentagon said: but what if we just swapped Lees? And lo, they found another Lee. This one was Black, heroic, and—most importantly—dead long enough to have no opinions about being used as Confederate-name-remover spray. "It's not that Lee, it's this Lee," a spokesman was overheard explaining at the renaming ceremony, gesturing vaguely. "Totally different Lee. Problem solved."

The Two Lees: A Historical Comparison

Tale of the Tape: Lee vs. Lee
Category Robert E. Lee Fitz Lee
Statues Erected 100+ 0
Bases Named After (Years) 1 (for 125 years) 1 (as of last Tuesday)
Textbook Pages Hundreds A paragraph, if that
Slaves Owned 189 (inherited, kept) 0
Treason Committed Yes (large) No
Medal of Honor No Yes
How They Died Peacefully, mourned by nation Blind, homeless, forgotten
Years Army "Honored" Them 125 0, then suddenly 1
Current Pentagon Utility Liability Asset

The Army would like you to know it honors both equally now.

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The Service Record

The complete military documentation of Pvt. Fitz Lee, as recorded by the United States Army with the same emotional register throughout: April 1890, kicked by horse, left knee contusion, three days recovery, in the line of duty. February 1894, fell from horse, sprained left ankle, ten days furlough, in the line of duty. Two bouts of acute bronchitis. One thigh muscle pull from unloading ice, in the line of duty.

Then, on June 30, 1898: Voluntarily walked into Spanish gunfire to rescue wounded Americans after three other rescue attempts had failed, in the line of duty. Contracted malaria. Went blind. Received Medal of Honor in hospital. Discharged. Became homeless. Died alone with no next of kin. Service complete.

The Army documented all of this. The Army then forgot all of this. The Army would now like to tell you about its proud history of documenting this.

"Not much is known about Private Lee outside his Medal of Honor story."
— Historian, accurately describing 125 years of nobody looking

The Arithmetic of Honor

Let's do the math: Days Fitz Lee was a war hero before dying: 70. Years subsequently forgotten: 125. Confederate names on Army bases during that time: 9 bases' worth. Black Medal of Honor recipients named Lee: 1. Pentagon employees who could identify Fitz Lee in 2020: 0. Pentagon employees who can now deliver a moving speech about his sacrifice: unlimited. Laws required to trigger the search: 1. Fitz Lee's input on his rediscovery: unavailable (deceased, 1899).

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The Tree That Showed Up

Pvt. Fitz Lee was buried beneath a magnolia tree at Fort Leavenworth National Cemetery. For 125 years, that tree was the only entity that consistently acknowledged his location. It grew over his grave. It bloomed every spring. It returned, year after year, to the exact spot where an American war hero lay forgotten beneath the Kansas dirt. The tree never issued a press release. The tree never waited for a law. The tree never needed a congressional mandate to show up. The tree just showed up. In 2023, the Pentagon finally matched the tree's standard—124 years late and only because it had to.

The Official Statement

The Department of Defense released a statement calling the installation renaming "a proud recognition of the sacrifices made by all Americans who served." Fitz Lee's sacrifices: his health, his sight, his home, his life, his memory. The Pentagon's sacrifice: updating some signage. Fitz Lee was unavailable for comment, having been dead since the McKinley administration. The magnolia tree also declined to comment. It will bloom again this spring regardless.

📋 Editor's Note
This story was produced by HuckFinn's newly formed "Things We Should Have Noticed Earlier" desk, established in 2023 after we realized we'd been writing about the wrong Lee for decades. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused to readers who assumed we were paying attention.

At the renaming ceremony, officials spoke movingly. They spoke of courage. They spoke of sacrifice. They spoke of Fitz Lee's embodiment of American values. They spoke of the Army's "proud tradition of honoring all who served." They did not explain why it took 125 years. They did not explain why it took an act of Congress. They did not explain why no one looked before they were forced to. They did not explain why Robert E. Lee got a century and Fitz Lee got a news cycle.

When asked, a spokesman said the Army has "always been committed to recognizing diverse contributions." Always, in this usage, means "starting in 2023."

The System

The Pentagon's legacy management process, as revealed by this situation, appears to function as follows: Step 1, name bases after Confederates (1900–2021). Step 2, ignore everyone else (1900–2021). Step 3, get caught (2020). Step 4, get legally mandated to change (2021). Step 5, discover Black heroes existed the whole time (2022). Step 6, pretend you discovered them on purpose (2023). Step 7, issue statement about "proud tradition" (2023). Step 8, wait for next law.

Fitz Lee's role in this system: Step 5. Fitz Lee's input: none. Fitz Lee's consent: not required. Fitz Lee's status: deceased, compliant, perfect.

In 1899, the United States gave a dying Black soldier its highest honor and showed him the door. In 2023, the United States gave that same soldier a base renaming and a press release. Time elapsed: 124 years. Sincerity level: unchanged. Fitz Lee's benefit from any of this: none. He's been dead the whole time.

But the Pentagon has a new sign, and the magnolia tree has company now. That's what we call progress.

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