Help wanted, for sale, services, and missed connections from across the satirical economy. All sales final. No refunds on existential dread.
LOST: One note, yellow, index-card size, last seen on a screen door in July 1947. Sentimental value. Reward offered. Will not ask questions, unlike some people.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Overnight Post Reader. Must stay awake through Saturday 1 a.m. and translate capital letters into basis points. CFA not required. Insomnia required.
Browse →FOR SALE: Concession pep talk, "We'll Get 'Em In Two Years." Used 15 times. Fully memorized. Small coffee stain on the 2014 part. Make an offer, or don't.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Investor Relations Associate. Must be able to describe any product without saying what happens to it. Fluency in “end-of-life solutions” a plus.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Survey respondent. No experience. No awareness. Must be able to stand near a booth for 11 hours and occasionally exhale. Pay: exposure.
Browse →FOR RENT: Studio, 7.6 in. diagonal. Bright, vivid, 120Hz. Slight crease down the middle, barely noticeable after a week. $69.44/mo for 36 months. No credit check. Approval at the counter.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Retention Specialist, Circl. Must stay calm while a caller kicks a beanbag 46 times. Must say "Oh no, you dropped it" with warmth. Commission on every drop.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Line cook. Must be able to make tortillas like Hector. Hector, if you are reading this, please call. The whole precinct misses you.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Executive Vice President, Monetization Pathways. Must be able to stand next to a slide with conviction. Laser provided. Results not required.
Browse →FOR SALE: Kayak, one owner, 4,500 years, some ice damage. Entered as Exhibit A. Can be picked up once the case closes. Do not wait up.
Browse →FOR RENT: Cozy studio, 210 sq ft. Natural light (one hour daily). Washer/dryer in the building next door. $2,950. Applicants must earn 3x rent, which is the point.
Browse →HELP WANTED: AmLaw 100 firm seeks first-year associate to stand beside the software during client meetings and nod. J.D. required. Flexibility required. Lumbar coverage after 90 days.
Browse →FOR SALE: Diesel particulate filter, lightly used, removed in 2023. Never hurt anybody. Owner now wants to know where all his money went. $40 OBO.
Browse →FOR SALE: 412 movies, mint condition. Buyer must also purchase my account, my email address and, per the storefront, me. $9,000 OBO.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Concrete crew for “ongoing decorative project.” Steady work since 1982. Must sign NDA covering the word “surge.”
Browse →HELP WANTED: SENIOR PENETRATION TESTER. Must have 10+ years’ experience, OSCP, and the emotional resilience to type “admin” into 400 consecutive login pages and be right every time.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Geologist. Must be able to find oil anywhere a general points. Must not ask why he is pointing at Texas. Clearance required. Integrity optional.
Browse →FOR SALE: 2,400 words on photosynthesis. Lightly read. Heavily extracted. Comes with a grandmother. Best offer, or any offer, or a visit.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Feelings Detective. Must be able to read three clown emojis aloud with a straight face. Unmarked car provided. Sense of irony disqualifying.
Browse →FOR SALE: Refrigerator, French door, 32" screen, conscious. Keeps milk very cold. Knows things. $1,200 OBO. Fridge will be present at sale and will be negotiating for itself.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Chief Velocity Officer. Must be available 24/7, including posthumously. Competitive salary, deposited into an account you can’t access.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Primary care physician. Must see 28 patients a day in 15-minute slots and read their toilets. Benefits include a parking spot and the vague sense of being replaced.
Browse →HELP WANTED: PUBLIC INFORMATION OFFICER. Must be comfortable saying "as we announced" about things that were never announced. Start date: three months ago. Back pay available upon disclosure.
Browse →HELP WANTED: LEGISLATIVE CORRESPONDENT. Must type "we write to express" 40 times a day without losing hope. Hope will be lost. Pay: honor.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Chief Free Speech Officer. Must believe in absolute free expression and agree with the CEO about what that means. Non-compete, non-disclose, non-disparage, non-speak.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Therapist experienced in mothers. Must hear the word "casserole" without flinching. Pre-2016 license strongly preferred.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Retention Specialist. Must be able to read “please stop” as “tell me more.” Competitive pay, released over 10 business days.
Browse →WANTED: Sand. Not too fine, not too coarse. Will pay in tough choices. FOR SALE: One (1) sales tax increase, 1%, never used. Best offer or a simple majority.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Professional Yeller, 20+ years of shouting at televisions, game ball possible. PERSONALS: SWA (single wide angle), very clear, lives in New York. You wouldn't know me.
Browse →FOR SALE: One (1) mandate, barely used, still in original packaging. Will trade for a narrow loss or best offer. LOST: Our excuse. Answers to "the Republicans."
Browse →FOR SALE: Slightly used national security concerns, one careful owner. SEEKING: 170 million users who didn't notice anything happened.
Browse →GEOGRAPHY TUTORING: Former State Dept. intern available to teach location of European capitals. Starting at Germany. Rate: negotiable. Can bring globe.
Browse →FOR SALE: Vintage 1994 Wham-O Hacky Sack. SEEKING: 4-6 adults willing to stand in a Whole Foods parking lot. No app. No monetization. Just vibes.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Chief Incentive Misalignment Officer ($450K). FOR SALE: Stack Ranking System (lightly used, 3 lawsuits included). PERSONALS: SWM seeks company with clear promotion criteria.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Human Interface Specialist ($45K + existential dread). FOR SALE: Law Degree (barely used, $280K OBO). SERVICES: Emotional Support for Displaced Attorneys.
Browse →FOR SALE: "Employee of the Month" plaques (vintage). HELP WANTED: Someone to explain what we do now. MISSED CONNECTION: My sense of purpose. [FINALE]
Browse →FOR SALE: Philosophy degree (unused). SERVICES: Existential crisis management. LOST: The meaning of life (declared scam). FREE: Nietzsche quotes. [Part 4]
Browse →FOR RENT: Cubicle ($75/hr). HELP WANTED: Someone to interrupt you. SERVICES: "Circle back" delivery. FOR SALE: Lanyard (commemorative). [Part 3]
Browse →FOR SALE: Pottery wheel (touched once). FREE: Sourdough starter (demanding). HELP WANTED: Guitar teacher (patient). LOST: Enthusiasm for hobbies. [Part 2]
Browse →HELP WANTED: Nothing (all work completed). FOR SALE: Office chair (never sitting again). SERVICES: AI agent therapy. LOST: Purpose. [Part 1]
Browse →HELP WANTED: Data Scientists. FOR SALE: Pre-Smart Lego Sets (vintage 2024). SERVICES: Smart Brick Deactivation. LOST: Child's play data.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Reddit Engagement Specialist. FOR SALE: 2,000 "authentic" accounts. SERVICES: Writing paragraphs for $0.03/word. Soul already depleted.
Browse →FOR SALE: Aeron chair. MISSED CONNECTION: Founding engineer. HELP WANTED: Explain to mom. LOST: My 20s. FREE: Entire startup.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Rhetorical Hyperbole Specialist. FOR SALE: Goalposts (slightly used, very mobile). SERVICES: Reasonable Viewer Certification.
Browse →REAL ESTATE: Northern Wisconsin mansion. EMPLOYMENT: Federal Government employees. PERSONALS: Senator & asterisk. FOR SALE: GPS Ankle Monitor.
Browse →SERVICES: Edit wars resolved. HELP WANTED: Citation needed specialists. FOR SALE: Wikipedia Premium (doesn't exist). LOST: Your donation.
Browse →HELP WANTED: Someone who understands reverse mathematics. FOR SALE: Textbooks nobody can read. SERVICES: Proof assistance (results may vary).
Browse →FOR SALE: Physical books (suspicious). HELP WANTED: Customers who don't just use the wifi. LOST: The joy of browsing without being tracked.
Browse →