CLOVIS, CALIFORNIA — In what local officials are calling "news," a Barnes & Noble bookstore will open at the intersection of Herndon and Clovis avenues in May 2026, offering residents a physical location where they can purchase the aesthetic of literacy without the inconvenient time commitment of actual reading.

The store will occupy the former Joann's Fabrics location, replacing a retail establishment where people bought materials to create things with their hands with one where they can buy finished products to photograph for social media. City planners have hailed the transition as "a perfect metaphor for something, probably."

"Book lovers can look forward to this," read the original press release, which was then retyped verbatim by Action News in a process journalists refer to as "reporting." The news team reportedly drove to the location to confirm that a sign had been installed, then left without speaking to a single human being.

"We're not selling books. We're selling the feeling of being someone who reads."
— Internal Barnes & Noble memo we definitely didn't make up

The new 18,000-square-foot location will feature approximately 2,000 square feet of books, with the remaining space dedicated to Funko Pop figurines, candles named after emotions, journals with inspirational covers that will remain forever empty, "Reading Is My Cardio" merchandise, a café where customers can pay $7 to sit near literature, and, sources confirm, Crocs.

Industry analysts note that the modern Barnes & Noble customer purchases an average of 12 books per year while reading approximately 2.3, with the remaining 9.7 books serving as what experts call "personality infrastructure" — physical objects arranged on shelves to communicate identity to visitors, dating app matches, and Zoom call backgrounds.

"The books are organized by color in most homes now," explained Dr. Helena Marsh, a professor of Consumer Semiotics at UC Riverside. "That tells you everything. You don't organize books by color if you ever plan to find a specific one. The shelf isn't storage. It's a backdrop. It's a LinkedIn profile made of paper."

The announcement comes 18 months before the store's projected opening, raising questions about why this qualifies as breaking news. When reached for comment, Action News explained that "signs exist" and that journalism involves "driving to locations to verify that signs exist."

Local resident Chelsea Martinez, 31, expressed excitement about the opening. "I saw this on TikTok," she said, holding up her phone displaying a BookTok video about a novel she has been "currently reading" on Goodreads for 847 days. "I'm definitely going to read more next year. I already bought the tote bag."

The tote bag reads "So Many Books, So Little Time," which Martinez says she plans to use primarily for carrying items she purchases at Target.

Former Joann's employees, of whom there were reportedly several, were not mentioned in any coverage of the announcement, nor were their names, fates, healthcare situations, or general existence as human beings. When asked about the workers, a Barnes & Noble spokesperson gestured vaguely toward "the economy" and asked if we wanted to see the new "Bridgerton" display.

The store is expected to employ 15-20 people, all of whom will be asked which book they're currently reading during job interviews, and all of whom will lie.