Forecast: Continued doom through the foreseeable future. Visibility obscured by hype. Bring an umbrella made of other people's money.
Conditions: Import-dependent. 100% chance of price fluctuations. Refinery fog clearing as facilities relocate. Visibility: Retroactive. Bring appreciation.
Read →Conditions: Precedentially cloudy. 9-0 chance of institutional fog. Visibility limited to donors only. Bring an umbrella made of qualified immunity.
Read →Forecast: Heavy algorithmic precipitation. Visibility: Machine-readable only. Extended outlook: Your content will be atomized then absorbed. Wear something JSON-compatible.
Read →Authenticity Index: Declining. Engagement storms through Friday. 100% chance of extraction. Pack accordingly—your value is being scraped as you read this.
Read →Current conditions: Fully monitored. Privacy Index: 0%. Tomorrow's forecast: Also monitored. Extended outlook: Your child's creativity score is weather-dependent.
Read →Conditions: Dangerously optimistic. Visibility: Limited by hubris. Extended outlook: Clear skies for everyone except early adopters. Test on others first.
Read →72°F today, 98°F by Friday. Record highs for January. Your fault, obviously. Did you unplug your phone charger? Consider carpooling to the apocalypse.
Read →32°F (manufactured). Natural snow: Extinct. Artificial snow: Abundant. Irony index: Extreme. Extended outlook: Continued skiing on borrowed time.
Read →Your 3-minute shower offset by: nothing. ExxonMobil forecast: Record profits. Individual responsibility forecast: Continued guilt through 2030.
Read →VOLCANIC in lecture halls. PERPETUAL GLOOM in adjunct offices. SUSPICIOUSLY CALM in student dorms. GOLDEN in admin building. Five-day forecast: Continued meltdowns through Friday.
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