The stars have tenure. They cannot be fired for these predictions. Consult at your own existential risk.
Aries: Your case will be dismissed. The stars say it's about standing. Taurus: Financial success ahead—assuming you already have financial success.
Read →Aries: Your aggressive paragraph atomization will pay off this week. The algorithm notices you. It does not click. This is success.
Read →Aries: Mercury is in retrograde, which means your JSON-LD markup will fail validation. Expect delays in machine-readable identity verification.
Read →Aries: Your child's creativity score is lower than expected. The stars suggest purchasing additional Smart Brick sets to improve metrics.
Read →Aries: Your bold, impulsive nature will serve you well in inventing. It will serve you poorly in testing. Consider: a dummy. Just this once.
Read →Aries: Your content will be extracted today. Wear something machine-readable. Gemini: You will meet someone authentic. It will be a bot. You won't be able to tell.
Read →Your aggressive recycling will offset exactly 0.0003% of a cruise ship's hourly emissions. Mercury is in retrograde, which is still less confusing than carbon credit markets.
Read →Aries: Your 3-minute shower saved 0.000001% of what ExxonMobil emitted during your bathroom break. The stars are impressed with your futility.
Read →What do the stars predict for your major? STEM, Humanities, Business, Pre-Med, and Undeclared — all cosmically doomed in their own special ways.
Read →Aries (The Disruptor): Mercury is in retrograde, which explains why your Slack is down. Today is a good day to update your LinkedIn. Tomorrow will also be.
Read →Will you donate? The cosmos understands. Aries will close the banner. Taurus thinks $2.75 seems reasonable. None of them will donate.
Read →Ohio's cosmic driving forecast. Aries: Road rage imminent. Libra: You'll signal, but no one cares. Scorpio: That yellow light was fine.
Read →Aries: Your lucky numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 — wait, those are from Lost. The stars say you'll still lose. Taurus: Buy scratch-offs. Gemini: Two tickets.
Read →What the stars say about your technology relationships. Gemini: This is literally your week — Marc Benioff has declared eternal love after 2 hours.
Read →Aries: That headline was designed to make you angry. It worked. Taurus: You'll share this article without reading it. Gemini: Both-sides yourself.
Read →Mercury is in retrograde, which explains why the CDC website is communicating poorly. Virgo: Your attention to detail means you read the asterisks. We're sorry.
Read →Seed Round Aries: You will receive equity. It will mean nothing. Mars is in retrograde, much like your product roadmap. Lucky numbers: 0.001%
Read →Climate report: Volcanic in lecture halls, perpetual gloom in adjunct offices, with a 100% chance of career anxiety.
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