The stars have tenure. They cannot be fired for these predictions. Consult at your own existential risk.
Aries: You will kick before thinking. You will be billed before kicking. Aquarius: A sock and a cup of rice will change your life. Keep the receipt for the rice.
Read →Aries: You will buy the dip. The dip will buy you back. Aquarius: You will rename something to include "AI." It will go up 38%.
Read →Leo: You will be cited. You will not be visited. Capricorn: Pivot to "Best X To Buy." You know you want to. Mercury is in affiliate.
Read →Aries: You will open the fridge, stare and close it. Three advertisers will bid on that stare. Capricorn: You opt out. Your file now says "feels good about opting out."
Read →Sagittarius: Travel is in your future. Your data is already there. Aquarius: You will try to opt out. The button will be under the rim. Pisces: Go with the flow. It is being measured.
Read →Aries: You will make a terrible decision on Tuesday. The stars have reviewed it. Great call. Taurus: Someone is shorting you this week. It's your sister. She's up 40%.
Read →Aries: You will feel an urge to act now. A commission will be formed to talk you out of it. Leo: Your big moment arrives in the fourth quarter of 2032. Practice your surprised face.
Read →Madame Solvency reads your past, present and future from a Social Security deck. The future card was reserved 98–2: it is always The Tower, the fourth quarter of 2032.
Draw →Sagittarius: Travel is in your future. Your flight, Child Care, is delayed. See agent. Capricorn: The system is working as intended. Thank you for your patience.
Read →Aries: You will scroll through three ownership changes before breakfast and not notice any of them. Your data is in transit.
Read →Capricorn: You will decide this week to stop depending on a partner who keeps warning you about your erasure while simultaneously threatening tariffs. This is called growth.
Read →Scorpio: You suspected a cover-up. You were correct. The cover was over uncertainty. A cover-up of genuine helplessness is still, technically, a cover-up. Congratulations on your vindication.
Read →Gemini: Two destinations pull at you. One has a $3B contract attached. The stars say: follow the contract. Capricorn: You put a deposit down on a Mars lot in 2017. It will be refunded 'eventually.'
Read →Pisces: You sensed someone was watching. You were right. The pixel was on the astrology site you used to check this. Hello, Pisces.
Read →Your hacky sack horoscope. Aries: You will attempt to revive the circle. Your knees will veto this decision.
Read →Aries: Your bold initiative will be absorbed by a larger team. Virgo: Your attention to detail is working against you. The person who moved a button 3 pixels got promoted.
Read →Aries: A new career opportunity presents itself. Unfortunately, it's the same career you already have, but now with an AI supervisor. The AI's attention to detail is 99.9997% better.
Read →One year of being "fine, actually." Aries: Today feels exactly like yesterday. This is either contentment or something else. The stars are also fine. [FINALE]
Read →Aries: Today you will seek meaning. You will not find it. This is appropriate. The stars don't mean anything either. [Life After AI Part 4]
Read →Aries: Today someone will say "circle back." It will feel like home. The void will remain, but briefly you will know comfort. [Life After AI Part 3]
Read →Aries: Your sourdough starter is judging you. It knows you don't really want to learn guitar. The void knows too. [Life After AI Part 2]
Read →Aries: All your deadlines have been met by AI. You are free. Why does freedom feel like this? The stars have no comment. [Life After AI Part 1]
Read →Aries: Your case will be dismissed. The stars say it's about standing. Taurus: Financial success ahead—assuming you already have financial success.
Read →Aries: Your aggressive paragraph atomization will pay off this week. The algorithm notices you. It does not click. This is success.
Read →Aries: Mercury is in retrograde, which means your JSON-LD markup will fail validation. Expect delays in machine-readable identity verification.
Read →Aries: Your child's creativity score is lower than expected. The stars suggest purchasing additional Smart Brick sets to improve metrics.
Read →Aries: Your bold, impulsive nature will serve you well in inventing. It will serve you poorly in testing. Consider: a dummy. Just this once.
Read →Aries: Your content will be extracted today. Wear something machine-readable. Gemini: You will meet someone authentic. It will be a bot. You won't be able to tell.
Read →Your aggressive recycling will offset exactly 0.0003% of a cruise ship's hourly emissions. Mercury is in retrograde, which is still less confusing than carbon credit markets.
Read →Aries: Your 3-minute shower saved 0.000001% of what ExxonMobil emitted during your bathroom break. The stars are impressed with your futility.
Read →What do the stars predict for your major? STEM, Humanities, Business, Pre-Med, and Undeclared — all cosmically doomed in their own special ways.
Read →Aries (The Disruptor): Mercury is in retrograde, which explains why your Slack is down. Today is a good day to update your LinkedIn. Tomorrow will also be.
Read →Will you donate? The cosmos understands. Aries will close the banner. Taurus thinks $2.75 seems reasonable. None of them will donate.
Read →Ohio's cosmic driving forecast. Aries: Road rage imminent. Libra: You'll signal, but no one cares. Scorpio: That yellow light was fine.
Read →Aries: Your lucky numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 — wait, those are from Lost. The stars say you'll still lose. Taurus: Buy scratch-offs. Gemini: Two tickets.
Read →What the stars say about your technology relationships. Gemini: This is literally your week — Marc Benioff has declared eternal love after 2 hours.
Read →Aries: That headline was designed to make you angry. It worked. Taurus: You'll share this article without reading it. Gemini: Both-sides yourself.
Read →Mercury is in retrograde, which explains why the CDC website is communicating poorly. Virgo: Your attention to detail means you read the asterisks. We're sorry.
Read →Seed Round Aries: You will receive equity. It will mean nothing. Mars is in retrograde, much like your product roadmap. Lucky numbers: 0.001%
Read →Climate report: Volcanic in lecture halls, perpetual gloom in adjunct offices, with a 100% chance of career anxiety.
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