Crime reports, suspicious activities, and law enforcement encounters that make you question who's really protecting and serving whom.
Monday, 11:42 p.m. Bright lights reported over a cul-de-sac. The responding officer found a note on her windshield reading “Was here! — N.” The note was seized. The officer was reassigned to a balloon desk. Tuesday, 3:10 a.m...
Read Report →9:14 a.m. · Maple Ridge Preschool Four-year-old reported building a “rocket for worms.” Responding dashboard issued a verbal warning and a recommended Space Shuttle set. Worms not located. 11:02 a.m. · 1400 block of Elm Caller...
Read Report →Monday, 6:40 a.m. A man described as "friendly, punctual, probably a Carl" walked past fourteen homes on Palo Verde Drive. Fourteen doorbells filed reports. No one has ever met him. He is not a suspect. He is, according to three...
Read Report →Tues., 9:14 a.m. · Central Hall Man walked past a smart mirror without checking himself out. Mirror reported feeling unseen. Man issued a warning and a skincare recommendation. Tues., 11:52 a.m. · North Hall Woman observed...
Read Report →Mon., 1:52 a.m. · Elm St. Man reported missing by his own chatbot after asking 11 questions for a friend in one night. The friend was later found in the man’s bathroom, looking at the man’s tongue. Tue., 4:10 p.m. · Library Woman...
Read Report →9:14 a.m. · Congress Ave. Caller reported a man shouting “I have a right to be heard!” at a second man, who was shouting the same thing. Officers could not hear either. 11:02 a.m. · Public library Patron reported a book for...
Read Report →Mon., 6:12 a.m. · Juneau, Alaska Officers responded to reports of a large, slow-moving individual leaving the area with no forwarding address. Subject was identified as the Mendenhall Glacier. Subject left anyway. Tue., 11:30...
Read Report →Wed., 8:02 a.m. Caller reported a "Yes on M" sign stolen from a front yard near a trailhead. The sign was located inside a goat. The goat was released and returned to work. Wed., 10:15 a.m. Man reported shouting "Recount!" at a...
Read Report →11:52 a.m. · East End Agents conducting surveillance of a food truck requested backup. Backup arrived with napkins. 1:15 p.m. · Columbia Heights Man reported a dark vehicle that had been parked outside a pupuseria for nine...
Read Report →Tue., 7:12 a.m. Officers responded to reports of a man "smiling suspiciously" on a lakeside lawn. Upon arrival, officers determined the lawn belonged to the man and the smile was legal. Both officers left smiling slightly, for...
Read Report →Mon., 8:04 a.m. Officers responded to a pileup in the Room 104 doorway after three 1Ls bowed to an approaching laptop at once. No injuries. The laptop was carried in by a janitor and had no opinion. Mon., 1:30 p.m. A 2L was...
Read Report →7:12 a.m. · 42nd Street Caller reported a man shouting "Who did this?" at a gas pump. Officers arrived and could not locate the man due to smoke. He was later found by touch. 9:40 a.m. · Farmers market Vendor reported her...
Read Report →Mon., 7:02 a.m. A resident reported that someone had broken into his car and turned off the heated seats. Officers determined the culprit was his bank, which had declined the renewal. Mon., 3:40 p.m. A man was cited for repairing...
Read Report →Mon., 7:40 a.m. Caller on Gulf Drive reported the ocean “loitering” in her kitchen. Deputies told her it was a civil matter between her and the Gulf. Tue., 2:15 p.m. Man reported for trespassing on a public beach that is now...
Read Report →8:12 a.m. · Elm St. Officers responded to reports of a break-in at a small accounting firm. The suspect told police the door was unlocked and the password was taped to it. No charges filed; suspect was referred to a guidance...
Read Report →6:02 a.m. Division receives first report: a council member's post about a ribbon-cutting received 11 likes and one "ok." Officers determine the "ok" was "cold." Conversation had. 8:47 a.m. Resident reports that the mayor called...
Read Report →Mon., 9:14 a.m. (reported); last April (occurred) Officers responded to a report of a speed trap. The speed trap had been installed, ticketed 4,000 drivers and removed. The public is thanked for its cooperation. Mon., 2:40 p.m. A...
Read Report →9:02 a.m. User reported for posting "the CEO's jet just landed." Charged with doxxing. Also charged with posting an accurate fact, a separate offense. 10:47 a.m. Account suspended for impersonating the CEO. Investigation found...
Read Report →11:42 p.m.: Sports bar patron challenges his tab with a red napkin, is ruled untimely, asks to see the angle and is shown the door. 1:15 a.m.: Man found yelling "CHALLENGE IT" at a muted TV is released after producing a résumé.
Read Report →9:58 p.m.: Caller at a Democratic watch party reports a call coming from inside the House. 11:36 p.m.: Second call, this time from inside the Senate. Same officers. Same speed.
Read Report →Officers dispatched to woman's residence after she replied to mayor's "Safe Haven" post with clown emojis. Officer reads "clown face, clown face, clown face" into official record with full professional gravitas.
Read Report →Immigration enforcement issues deportation order to 11-trillion-ton glacier for "moving toward US waters without documentation since the Pleistocene." Union chief weeps tears of brand destiny.
Read Report →Ex-government interrogator pivots to corporate coaching. Advises employees that authentic self-suppression techniques translate directly to open-plan office survival.
Read Report →Defense Department announces new policy: "The vocabulary does the ethics now." Renaming war activities found to be more cost-effective than actually changing them.
Read Report →Six satirical crime entries including: Man arrested for believing broadcast, woman cited for attempting "rhetorical hyperbole" defense at DMV, judge missing after attempting to locate "reasonable viewer."
Read Report →