ICE Issues Formal Deportation Order To 11-Trillion-Ton Glacier

In what administration officials are calling "the most significant enforcement action in the agency's history," Immigration and Customs Enforcement has issued a formal deportation order to the Jakobshavn Glacier, a 11-trillion-ton ice sheet that has been "moving toward United States waters without authorization since the Pleistocene epoch," according to documents obtained by this newspaper.

The order, filed under ICE Form 11-T (Geological Entities), cites the glacier's "continuous unauthorized movement at approximately 150 feet per day" and its "failure to produce valid entry documentation despite 2.5 million years of presence in the Western Hemisphere." A hearing has been scheduled for March 2026, though officials acknowledged the glacier "may not appear voluntarily."

"If Denmark won't sell us Greenland, we'll simply enforce our way in," explained a senior administration official who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were "pretty sure this isn't technically legal but also pretty sure that doesn't matter anymore." The deployment marks the latest escalation in the administration's effort to assert control over the Danish territory following the failed 2019 purchase attempt.

The deployment has already produced what officials describe as "early enforcement successes." At 6:14 AM local time Tuesday, satellite imagery detected "massive movement toward US waters," prompting the scrambling of 200 agents, multiple helicopters, and surveillance drones. The source was later identified as the Jakobshavn glacier calving—a natural process in which ice breaks off into the ocean. ICE declared victory when the resulting iceberg melted three days later. "Threat neutralized," a spokesperson confirmed. "You're welcome."

President Trump, speaking from the Oval Office, defended the operation. "Denmark said no. Very rude. Nasty. But here's the thing—they don't even USE it," he told reporters, gesturing at a globe. "It's just sitting there. Ice. Exposed ice. We'd do something with it. Develop it. Trump Nuuk. Trump Ilulissat. Beautiful towers. The best towers. They laughed at me." He paused. "Nobody's laughing now."

Asked about the indigenous Inuit population, who have inhabited Greenland continuously for approximately 4,500 years, Trump was dismissive. "They came from somewhere else. Siberia. Walked over. Long time ago, but they walked," he said, tapping the podium. "So who's the immigrant? Really. Think about it. I think about it. Many people are thinking about it. They don't like the answer."

ICE's Greenland operations have expanded rapidly since the initial deployment. A 4 AM raid in Ilulissat (population 4,500) resulted in the detention of two German hikers, one Canadian birdwatcher, and a husky "pending nationality verification." Agents had expected more. "We'll be back," a supervisor noted in the incident report.

The agency has also issued detainers for Greenland's entire Inuit population, citing a legal theory developed by ICE chief counsel that crossing a land bridge 4,500 years ago constitutes "illegal immigration with extra steps." "No visa. No entry stamp. That's unauthorized entry," the brief argues. A motion to deport the entire indigenous population to Siberia is pending.

In one incident that has drawn international attention, agents separated three children from their mother in the village of Qaanaaq after she failed to produce satisfactory documentation. The mother presented birth certificates, tribal records, and land deeds dating to 1847. The agent studied the documents. "Ma'am, these are in a foreign language," he said. The language was Greenlandic. They were in Greenland.

The children remain in ICE custody. Six other minors separated from families in March still cannot be located. "They're in the system," an ICE spokesperson confirmed. The system contains 47,000 files labeled "GREENLAND - MISC." Officials acknowledged that 46,212 are empty, 788 are duplicates of each other, and one is a photograph of a walrus.

Deportation logistics have proven challenging. A charter flight carrying 34 detainees circled the Arctic for 11 hours after agents realized they could not determine an appropriate destination. "We tried going south but there's always more north," the pilot reported. "They won't tell us which south." One detainee aboard the flight was from Minnesota. She had been visiting her grandmother. Her grandmother was also detained. Her grandmother is 94.

At a research station in Thule, ICE conducted a predawn raid that resulted in the detention of six Danish climate scientists. The official charge: "Destruction of American-adjacent resources." Their work: documenting ice loss. Their evidence: seized. Ice lost during the six-hour raid: 340 million tons. "Unrelated," ICE confirmed. The data showed it was very related.

In Siorapaluk, the northernmost permanently inhabited settlement on Earth (population 40), agents conducted document checks that resulted in the detention of an elder who presented a genealogy carved on walrus ivory showing unbroken family lineage to 2000 BCE. The agent photographed it and ran it through the ICE database. "Not in the system, sir," he reported. The database contains 12 entries for Greenland. Eight are glaciers. Three are misspellings of "Greenland." One is a Denny's in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

American tourists have not been spared. Thirty-one US citizens have been detained to date, as agents struggle with the concept that Americans visiting a foreign country are not immigrants to that country. Gary Hendricks, 58, of Toledo, Ohio, has been held for 11 weeks. His file is now 340 pages. Three hundred twelve of those pages say "CLAIMS OHIO." He has missed his mother's funeral, his daughter's wedding, and two mortgage payments. His house is in foreclosure.

Greenland's 50-officer police force has refused all cooperation with ICE operations. In response, the agency designated the entire country a "sanctuary nation" and requested military backup from the Pentagon. "Backup against whom?" a Defense Department official asked. "Against the sanctuary," ICE replied. "There are 56,000 people," the official noted. "They're a NATO ally." "Not if we revoke it," ICE responded. "You can't revoke—" the official began. "Watch us," ICE said.

CoreCivic, the private prison contractor, has won a $2.3 billion no-bid contract to construct a 50,000-bed detention facility in Nuuk, whose current population is 19,000. When the mayor asked where detainees would come from, a company representative assured him: "We'll find them." CoreCivic stock rose 14% on the news. "Greenland represents a significant greenfield opportunity," the CEO noted on an earnings call. No one laughed. It wasn't a joke.

The first detainee death was reported last week. Cause of death: "cold." The facility had no heating. The contract specified "climate-appropriate infrastructure." CoreCivic built to Arizona specifications. "We used the same blueprints as Tucson," a spokesperson explained. "Nobody told us." The Tucson facility also had deaths. Cause: "heat."

At a congressional briefing, officials warned that "terrorists could enter Maine through Greenland." A senator noted that this would require crossing 2,000 miles of open Arctic Ocean. "Exactly," the official replied. "No wall. No checkpoints. No presence. It's wide open." "It's frozen solid," the senator said. "Not anymore," the official responded. "Climate change is helping us there."

At press time, the ICE union president was seen weeping openly at a press conference. "Twenty years," he said, removing his sunglasses. "Twenty years of jokes. 'Why don't you go after real ice?' 'Deport a glacier.' We took it. We smiled." He paused to compose himself. "But now we're here. On the ice. Doing what we were named to do. This is manifest destiny. This is brand alignment." His voice broke. "This is who we were always meant to be."