Nation Celebrates Black Friday By Abandoning All Semblance Of Humanity For Marginal Savings

In a beautiful display of American tradition, millions of citizens across the country kicked off the holiday shopping season Friday by temporarily suspending all human decency, compassion, and self-awareness in pursuit of moderately discounted consumer electronics.

The annual celebration, which began mere hours after families gathered to express gratitude for what they already have, saw patriots of all ages sprinting, shoving, and occasionally brawling with complete strangers over the sacred right to save $40 on items they didn't know existed 24 hours ago.

"I'm truly blessed," said local man Marcus Chen, sporting a black eye and torn jacket after successfully elbowing a 67-year-old grandmother to secure a discounted television. "This is what the Pilgrims would have wanted."

The Morrison family of Ohio spent their Thanksgiving evening engaged in quality bonding time, reviewing tactical floor plans of their local Best Buy and discussing optimal escape routes. "We've color-coded the high-priority targets," said father Dale Morrison, pointing to a map marked with zones labeled "VIOLENT," "MODERATELY VIOLENT," and "POSSIBLY SURVIVABLE."

Area resident Patricia Newman credited her year-round CrossFit regimen for her ability to successfully secure a $29.99 toaster oven, requiring her to vault over a fallen elderly man and execute what she described as a "textbook tackle" on a competing shopper.

Medical professionals reported treating numerous Black Friday-related injuries, with most patients expressing satisfaction despite the physical cost. Local man Robert Patterson, being treated for a concussion and two broken ribs, deemed his injuries "a small price to pay" for $40 in savings on an air fryer. His $180 in total savings was offset by a $2,400 emergency room visit not covered by his insurance, which he described as "totally worth it."

At press time, the Morrison family was already making plans for next year's Black Friday assault, with young daughter Emma excitedly asking if she'd be "old enough to use pepper spray" by then.

In a stunning exposé, former child actor Corey Feldman has courageously emerged from the trenches to describe the "most toxic" workplace environment he experienced during his grueling 14-day stint on ABC's Dancing with the Stars—an ordeal he endured for exactly two episodes before being eliminated for performing a cha-cha to "Baby Got Back."

The 54-year-old actor, whose entire childhood was spent navigating the notoriously wholesome environment of 1980s Hollywood—an era later becoming the subject of multiple FBI investigations—told radio listeners he had "never seen anything like" the behind-the-scenes culture at the dance competition show.

"On the set everybody gets along. Everybody's great," Feldman explained, before adding, "But the behind-the-scenes drama and BS that people throw around that show, I've never seen anything like it."

In a statement released with the speed of a man who just remembered he works in Hollywood, Feldman clarified that by "toxic," "worst," and "most toxic thing I've ever seen," he actually meant "wonderful," "grateful," and "looking forward to getting back to rehearsals"—even though he is no longer on the show.

In what officials are calling "a perfectly normal Thanksgiving advisory released at a completely normal time," the federal government issued guidance Thursday morning reminding Americans that wild turkeys in 17 states should not be consumed due to PFAS contamination levels that would make a Superfund site blush.

"Advisory" is, of course, government-speak for "we poisoned your dinner decades ago but just got around to mentioning it on Thanksgiving morning," explained Dr. Helena Struthers, director of the CDC's Division of Unfortunate Timing.

The advisory comes weeks after a landmark study found PFAS contamination in drinking water alone is responsible for approximately 6,800 cancer cases annually. The study has since been flagged for "additional review" after the American Chemistry Council expressed what insiders describe as "very expensive concerns."

The study's authors acknowledged their findings represent a significant undercount—covering only half the U.S. population and missing areas with the most severe contamination.

Studies indicate 90% of line-of-duty firefighter deaths are now attributable to cancer from PFAS exposure in gear, foam, and smoke. "Happy Thanksgiving," added Dr. Kessler.

In what experts are calling "the inevitable conclusion to a very predictable trajectory," the National Association of Professional Satirists (NAPS) announced Tuesday that its members would be formally surrendering to reality, effective immediately.

"We've been tracking what we call the Satire Sufficiency Index since 2010," explained Dr. Helena Voss, lead researcher at the Institute for Advanced Doom Studies. "In 1995, it took approximately two weeks before a real headline would be mistaken for satire. By 2016, that window had collapsed to four hours. As of this morning, our instruments are showing a reading of negative four hours."

The study introduces the Material Quality Inversion Principle: as civilizational quality approaches zero, the quality of available satire material approaches infinity. "The worse things get, the better our material gets. We have never had more to work with. We have also never been more professionally obsolete."

The Pulitzer Prize Committee announced that local sports reporter Chad Broadsworth, 34, has been awarded the prestigious honor for his groundbreaking body of work consisting almost entirely of the question "How do you feel?" repeated in various tones and contexts over his 12-year career.

"Mr. Broadsworth has demonstrated an unparalleled mastery of post-game emotional extraction," read the committee's statement. "Whether addressing a champion or a defeated athlete, his unwavering commitment to this singular line of inquiry represents the pinnacle of modern sports journalism."

Broadsworth was overcome with emotion upon receiving the news and was immediately asked by seventeen colleagues how he felt.

Critics noted he has occasionally diversified his repertoire with variations such as "Talk about that feeling," "Walk me through those emotions," and the daringly innovative "Feelings?"

In a landmark decision that observers are calling "the most honest thing an international standards body has ever done," the Unicode Consortium voted to formally standardize human exhaustion, approving a "Face With Bags Under Eyes" emoji that has become the most popular new pictograph of 2025.

"We've reached nearly 4,000 emojis," said Unicode Technical Director Dr. Helena Voss, visibly fatigued. "Four thousand ways to avoid using words. And yet until this year, we had no standardized method for conveying that you haven't slept properly since 2019."

Meanwhile, the tiny island of Sark—population 529—successfully obtained its own flag emoji through what documentation describes as a "legal workaround." "529 people out-lobbied entire continents," noted one analyst.