Researchers at Northwestern University have unveiled VoxeLite, a revolutionary bandage-like finger wearable that finally allows users to feel textures through their smartphone screens, ending humanity's long nightmare of having to imagine what sweaters feel like.

"For too long, humans have suffered in silence, scrolling past cashmere on Instagram with no way to fondle it," said lead researcher Dr. Harold Membrane. "We saw an unmet need and we met it. You're welcome, civilization."

The device wraps around the user's finger and delivers precisely calibrated electric shocks through a grid of nodes the team has branded "pixels of touch"—a term sources confirm required eleven meetings and a branding consultant to develop.

In testing, participants correctly identified fabric textures 81% of the time—meaning nearly one in five users couldn't distinguish leather from terry cloth while wearing technology specifically designed to distinguish leather from terry cloth.

The device is vulnerable to "dirt, debris, or other variables"—concerning given that fingers famously never touch anything dirty. While it handles sweat admirably, full water submersion disables it until "air-dried," a resilience profile shared by most sandwiches.

In a breakthrough that has sent shockwaves through the "Open to Work" demographic, a retired electronic security professional with 30+ years of experience installing motion sensors at strip malls has cracked the code on human limb regeneration, according to a post that received 73 reactions.

"Your body already knows how to regrow limbs. We just haven't figured out how to turn it on yet," wrote Vincentius Liong/Leong—a discovery that apparently eluded researchers at Harvard, MIT, and every pharmaceutical company until a man whose headline contains "Retired Leader" weighed in.

The post explains that humans produce "the exact same regeneration chemicals" as salamanders. The key difference is that evolution made a catastrophic product decision 300 million years ago by shipping "fast healing via scar tissue" instead of "regrow entire leg."

The post is accompanied by an AI-generated image of a salamander made entirely of holographic Fruit Roll-Ups. Image credit: "CTTO"—the sacred incantation roughly translating to "I have no idea where this came from."