LANGLEY, VA — In what intelligence analysts are calling "the most successful covert operation in American history, though entirely by accident," the Central Intelligence Agency has confirmed that Corporate America has been faithfully executing the agency's 1944 Simple Sabotage Field Manual for approximately 80 years without any direction, funding, or awareness whatsoever.
The manual, originally created by the Office of Strategic Services to help resistance movements undermine Axis powers during World War II, was declassified in 2008. Agency analysts recently revisiting the document noticed something troubling: every single tactic designed to destroy enemy productivity had become standard operating procedure in American business.
"We wrote this to bring Nazi Germany to its knees," said Dr. Patricia Caldwell, a CIA historian speaking at a press conference where no actionable information was shared. "Turns out it's just a Fortune 500 operations manual with better formatting."
The discovery emerged during a routine internal review when a junior analyst noticed that his employer—the CIA itself—was following all 11 organizational sabotage tactics described in Section 11 of the manual. Upon further investigation, he found that literally every organization in America was doing the same thing.
"I thought we were tracking some kind of hostile foreign operation," said the analyst, who requested his name be redacted because he values his job slightly more than his sanity. "Turns out it was just the all-hands meeting."
| 1944 OSS Sabotage Tactic | Modern Corporate Equivalent |
|---|---|
| "Insist on doing everything through proper channels" | Enterprise Resource Planning systems, approval workflows, "following process" |
| "Make speeches. Talk as frequently as possible and at great length" | Quarterly town halls, mandatory all-hands, any meeting with an executive |
| "Refer all matters to committees for further study" | Working groups, task forces, tiger teams, steering committees |
| "Bring up irrelevant issues as frequently as possible" | Scope creep, "while we're at it," the entire concept of Slack threads |
| "Haggle over precise wordings of communications" | Legal review, brand guidelines, "can we workshop this language?" |
| "Reopen questions decided upon at the last meeting" | HIPPO override (Highest Paid Person's Opinion), "let's circle back" |
| "Advocate 'caution' and urge fellow-conferees to be 'reasonable'" | Risk management, compliance review, "have we consulted legal?" |
| "Demand written orders" | Email documentation, "can you put that in writing?", CYA culture |
Harvard Business School professor Dr. Warren Mills, who studies organizational dysfunction, expressed measured alarm at the findings. "We've been teaching MBAs to do all of this for decades," he said. "It's in the curriculum. It IS the curriculum."
The manual's Section 11(b), which targets managers specifically, proved equally prescient. The OSS advised saboteurs to "never pass on your skill and experience to a new or less skillful worker" and to "assign important jobs to inefficient workers." Exit interviews conducted by HR departments across America suggest this has been standard practice since approximately 1946.
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Industry response to the revelation has been swift and decisive, which is to say there will be an interdepartmental task force formed to study the implications pending legal review and executive alignment.
"We take these findings very seriously," said a spokesperson for the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, reading from prepared remarks that had been reviewed by no fewer than seven committees. "We plan to convene a working group to examine potential synergies between wartime sabotage tactics and contemporary best practices."
The manual's Section 12, which covers "General Morale" sabotage, advises operatives to "act stupid" and "be as irritable and quarrelsome as possible without getting into trouble." Researchers noted this perfectly describes approximately 40% of all LinkedIn influencer content.
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When asked whether the CIA had considered alerting American businesses to the fact that they were operating exactly like organizations targeted for destruction by WWII resistance movements, agency officials declined to comment, citing the need for further review by the appropriate interagency committee.
The Business Roundtable issued a statement defending current practices, noting that "while we acknowledge superficial similarities to historical sabotage techniques, our committees, approval processes, and lengthy meetings are designed to create value for shareholders, not undermine productivity." The statement took three weeks to draft and required sign-off from 12 executives.
Perhaps most alarming to researchers was the manual's advice for employee-level sabotage: "Work slowly. Think out ways to increase the number of movements necessary on your job." Studies show this precisely describes the average American worker's relationship with enterprise software.
"Every time I have to click through 17 screens to submit a timesheet, I think about the OSS officer who wrote this manual," said one IT worker who requested anonymity because his company monitors all communications. "He'd be so proud. Or horrified. Probably both."
The Congressional Budget Office estimates that if American businesses had not accidentally implemented OSS sabotage tactics over the past 80 years, the U.S. economy would be approximately $47 trillion larger. However, economists note this figure should be taken with caution, as the study's methodology required approval from 14 different committees and may contain errors introduced during the 3-year review process.
As of press time, the CIA had scheduled a meeting to discuss forming a working group to study potential responses to the findings. The meeting was subsequently postponed pending review of the agenda by legal counsel.
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