WASHINGTON — In a landmark announcement that constitutional scholars called "clarifying" and civil liberties organizations called "suspiciously efficient," the Bipartisan Office of Speech Safety revealed Thursday that historians have located the missing words from the First Amendment: "to agree."

"Free Speech" has been upgraded to "Agree Speech," officials confirmed at a morning press conference, explaining that the Founders always meant "free-to-agree"—they just dropped "to agree" for brevity because nothing has ever been freer than agreeing with America.

"This changes everything and nothing," said Marla Dent, chief spokesperson for the Office of Speech Safety, adjusting her lapel pin depicting a handshake between two identical hands. "Americans have always understood intuitively that speech is freest when everyone is saying the same thing. We've simply made it official."

The Discovery

The missing text was located in a climate-controlled vault beneath the Library of Congress, sandwiched between James Madison's grocery lists and a strongly worded letter from Thomas Jefferson about neighbor disputes. Dr. Everett Kline, lead researcher on the Constitutional Archaeology Project, explained that the omission was always intentional.

"The Founders were busy men. They had a revolution to run, wigs to powder," Dr. Kline said, gesturing toward a laminated copy of the amendment with the restored phrase highlighted in patriotic gold. "Saying 'free-to-agree speech' every time was cumbersome. Everyone already understood. It's like how we don't say 'horseless carriage' anymore—context evolves."

Officials stressed they haven't changed the Constitution—they've simply defined it correctly. Like how the Vatican didn't change the Bible, just handled interpretation centrally. "Far more efficient than democracy. Fewer typos."

The Rollout

Beginning next month, all Americans will receive the official Welcome To Agree Speech! pamphlet, which includes: a refrigerator magnet of sanctioned viewpoints, a peel-and-stick "I'm Listening Safely" badge, and a QR code that reports your uncle in under three seconds if he starts forming thoughts again. Batteries not included. Thoughts not permitted.

The Office of Speech Safety will operate under a framework described internally as "alignment, integrity, safety, community standards, and patriot filtering"—which translates to: "Whatever we do is freedom. Whatever they do is censorship."

Asked whether the framework favored any particular political viewpoint, Dent smiled warmly. "The only remaining divide in American politics is no longer whether people should speak—but what everyone must agree on." Officials called this "healthy," "vibrant," and "completely unrelated to censorship."

Platform Response: The Left

Major progressive platforms moved quickly to implement compliance measures. Bluesky unveiled a mandatory onboarding quiz designed to help users identify unsafe ideas early—before they metastasize to the nervous system and disrupt the approved worldview.

"We've always believed in open discourse," said a Bluesky spokesperson, reading from a prepared statement that had been approved by fourteen committees. "This quiz simply helps users understand which discourse is open and which discourse is a social contagion requiring immediate intervention."

"Cancel culture isn't punishment—it's community care," the spokesperson added warmly. "It takes a village to raise a follower."

Platform Response: The Right

Conservative platforms celebrated the announcement as vindication. "Patriot filtering" was described by Truth Social executives as a proud frontier tradition in which dissent is escorted gently into the sun until it stops moving. "This is freedom. The other thing is censorship."

Former President Donald Trump called the development "tremendous," explaining that only losers beg for new amendments. Winners take the definition, optimize it, ship it. "Checks and balances? Very slow. Very archaic. I just clarify and move on."

"I believe in absolute freedom," said PatriotMom_1776, a popular influencer with 2.3 million followers, "and anyone who disagrees should be removed immediately for their own liberty." She did not see the contradiction. The contradiction saw her.

The De-Escalation Protocol

For those experiencing "narrative misalignment"—defined as having thoughts that haven't been pre-approved—a new support system has been established. Dissent is now routed to a secure de-escalation kiosk where interns trained in customer service will validate your feelings, thank you for your feedback, and confirm your neighbor has been removed. Please take a number.

Private interpretation has been classified as contagious—a social pathogen that allows individuals to form opinions without consulting their designated tribal leadership. Symptoms include "asking questions" and "pause face." Citizens exhibiting these symptoms are encouraged to seek treatment voluntarily before treatment seeks them.

"Outsourcing your opinions to trusted authorities is more consistent, more stable, and frankly more American," Dent said. Critical thinking has been reclassified as propaganda from negative people. Side effects may include freedom.

The Rights Subscription Model

In a related development, "Rights" have been rebranded as "features." Basic coverage is included in the Human Plan. Upgrades are available through Agree Speech Plus, Premium Dissent Removal, or the Family Plan (up to 5 dependents, 1 approved opinion).

Rights eligibility requires species verification. Options include: Human (Standard), Human (Verified), and Large Mammal (Pending). Giraffes may not apply.

"Dissident giraffes will not be tolerated," Dent clarified, responding to a question no one had asked. Costume-wearing protesters may appeal if they demonstrate sincere narrative alignment and complete tone-detection training. Documentation required.

Looking Forward

Early data showed a 98% reduction in unauthorized opinions and a 12% increase in national happiness—attributed to Americans finally achieving freedom from hearing things they hate. Customer satisfaction is mandatory.

"We'd like to thank the Chinese for reminding us how good the Middle Ages were," said one official, unveiling a companion pamphlet: Feudalism (Agile): Aligning Stakeholders Through Centralized Truth. Serfs are now called "subscribers."

Freedom—defined at long last as freedom from hearing things you hate—will be delivered with same-day shipping and a satisfaction guarantee, as long as everyone agrees. And everyone will agree. That's the guarantee.

When asked whether any safeguards existed to prevent abuse of the new framework, Dent laughed pleasantly for eleven seconds before her expression returned to neutral.

"The safeguard," she said, "is agreement."

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