Health Insurance CEOs Achieve Historic Consensus That Healthcare Problems Are Someone Else's Fault

WASHINGTON — In what historians are calling "the most productive congressional hearing since the invention of the shrug," the chief executives of America's five largest health insurance companies testified before the House Energy and Commerce Committee Thursday, achieving an unprecedented consensus that the U.S. healthcare system is overpriced, wasteful, and confusing—and that literally anyone but them is responsible.

"We are dissatisfied with the status quo in health care, and know we must all do better," UnitedHealth CEO Steve Hemsley told lawmakers, before explaining that "all" meant hospitals, doctors, pharmaceutical companies, pharmacy benefit managers, the weather, and a suspicious-looking intern in the back row who "frankly looked like he had something to hide."

The hearing, which lasted four hours and required a 15-minute intermission for executives to practice their "concerned nodding" in the mirror, marked the first time all five CEOs appeared together since the industry's informal agreement to never be photographed in the same room as a denied claim.

Elevance Health CEO Gail Boudreaux struck a particularly sympathetic chord, explaining that her company—which reported $5.8 billion in net income last year—was merely an innocent bystander in the healthcare crisis. "We don't set hospital prices," Boudreaux noted. "We simply calculate what percentage of those prices we won't pay, and then bill customers for the privilege of that calculation."

Entity Blamed	Times Mentioned	CEO Blame Attribution
Hospitals	127	"Rapacious pricing"
Pharmaceutical Companies	94	"Unconscionable margins"
Doctors	56	"Overutilization"
PBMs (Pharmacy Benefit Managers)	43	"Opaque practices"*
Government Regulations	31	"Burdensome mandates"
Themselves	0	N/A

*Three of the five companies testifying own major PBMs

CVS Health CEO Karen Lynch, whose company owns both a major insurer (Aetna) and a major PBM (CVS Caremark), demonstrated impressive cognitive flexibility by blaming PBM practices for healthcare costs while simultaneously assuring shareholders that CVS Caremark's PBM practices were "creating tremendous value."

"The key to understanding healthcare economics," Lynch explained, "is to recognize that when other companies do something, it's exploitation. When we do the identical thing, it's innovation."

The executives also announced several initiatives they promised would definitely work this time, including "value-based care," which industry analysts confirmed has been promised in every congressional hearing since 1997, and "faster approval processes," a commitment made so frequently it has been granted heritage protection status by the National Trust for Historic Promises.

Cigna CEO David Cordani attempted to preempt criticism by acknowledging that "we don't always get it right" before pivoting to explain that the "it" in question was primarily the fault of outside vendors, legacy systems, Mercury being in retrograde, and "customers who insist on getting sick at financially inconvenient times."

Representative Frank Pallone (D-NJ) pressed the executives on why their companies have systematically denied claims, delayed approvals, and maintained opaque pricing structures. In response, all five CEOs simultaneously checked their watches, noted they had "a hard stop," and promised to provide detailed answers in writing by a date that exists only in a parallel universe where insurance companies respond to congressional inquiries.

The hearing concluded with all five CEOs pledging to "work collaboratively with policymakers" to "address systemic challenges"—phrases that congressional historians confirmed have been uttered at least 2,400 times since the passage of the Affordable Care Act, resulting in precisely zero changes to industry practices.

Ascendiun CEO Morgan Reed, testifying at her first such hearing, appeared to break from the script momentarily when asked about the company's 24% claim denial rate. "Look, if we approved everything, we'd just be a very expensive payment processing service," Reed explained, before an aide physically moved her microphone away from her mouth.

As the hearing adjourned, the five CEOs were observed sharing a warm group handshake in the hallway, reportedly agreeing that the testimony had gone "exactly as planned" and that their companies would continue to "absorb these important lessons" in the same way they absorb premium payments—efficiently, and with no intention of giving anything back.

The House committee announced it would reconvene in six months for a follow-up hearing, which industry sources confirmed will feature the same executives, the same promises, and the same outcome, in what has become Washington's longest-running accountability theater production.

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the health insurance industry released a statement expressing "deep concern" about healthcare costs and "unwavering commitment" to doing better, which fact-checkers rated as "technically words arranged in a sentence."