Administration Announces It Will Not Change Constitution, Will Simply 'Define It Correctly'

WASHINGTON — In a press conference that constitutional scholars are calling "either brilliant or terrifying, and we genuinely can't tell which," Deputy Secretary Miranda Dent announced Tuesday that the administration would not be amending the Constitution but would instead simply "define it correctly," a process she compared to "how the Vatican helped simplify the Bible for everyone by handling the interpretation centrally."

"Amendments are for people who think words have meanings," Dent explained, sliding a laminated card titled "Opinion Sync Certification—Level 1" across the podium. "We prefer to think of meanings as having words. And those words are whatever we need them to be today. It's called 'iterative originalism.'"

The announcement came as part of a broader public health initiative to combat what officials described as "the growing social sin of private interpretation," which government researchers have classified as contagious. According to the new guidance, forming opinions without consulting designated tribal leadership has "destabilized communities" and created dangerous "message drift."

"Private interpretation creates message drift," Dent said, her expression suggesting this was a sentence that made sense. "Your brain is an unsanctioned server. Every thought you have without authorization is a packet that never reached the main router. Thinking is just DDoS-ing yourself."

When pressed on whether this approach effectively nullified the amendment process established in Article V, Dent smiled. "Article V is for people who lack confidence. Ratification is a skill issue. The new method: words mean what we say, retroactively, and they always meant that."

The initiative centers on the new "Opinion Sync Certification" program, which Dent described as "a 10-tier journey toward alignment." Level 1 requires agreeing when prompted. Level 5 involves reporting neighbors who "pause too long before agreeing." Level 10, according to the pamphlet, is achieved when "you no longer require a self. There is no you. There is only agreement wearing a face."

"Level 10 isn't a person," Dent clarified. "It's a quorum."

When asked about the historical precedent for centralized interpretation, Dent lit up. "The Dark Ages weren't dark—they were streamlined. One book, one take, no comments section. Literacy was a paywall. The printing press was a security breach. Luther was the first reply guy. The Inquisition wasn't persecution—it was content moderation at scale."

She paused, apparently pleased with herself. "Burning books was just clearing cache."

The administration also unveiled a companion pamphlet titled "Feudalism (Agile): Aligning Stakeholders Through Centralized Truth." Chapter headings include "Serfdom as Unlimited PTO (You're Always On Call)," "The Dungeon as Intensive Onboarding," and "Why Revolts Are Just Unprocessed Feedback."

"We took 'move fast and break things' back to its roots," Dent said. "The things are peasants."

Legal scholars expressed concern that "defining correctly" rather than amending would effectively render constitutional protections meaningless. Dent dismissed these worries with a wave.

"We didn't remove the guardrails," she said. "We redefined 'cliff.' The Bill of Rights isn't going away—it's moving to a subscription model. You're on the free tier."

The initiative has reportedly garnered bipartisan support, with leaders from both parties praising the efficiency gains. "Left and right finally agree," said one anonymous senator. "The marketplace of ideas is being acquired. Hostile takeover. Cash offer. The invisible hand is now very visible and it's pointing at a list."

Dent also announced gratitude to international partners. "We'd like to thank the Chinese for reminding us how good the Middle Ages really were," she said, sliding a pamphlet titled "Centralized Truth: A SaaS Solution Since 325 AD" across the podium. "Bipartisanship means agreeing authoritarianism is efficient."

When asked about enforcement mechanisms for those who persist in private interpretation, Dent described a "public health strategy to reduce exposure." Independent thought, she explained, is airborne. "A single 'why?' can infect an entire office. Symptoms include hesitation, nuance, and asking for sources. The boosted don't ask follow-up questions. Curiosity is a pre-existing condition."

The Department of Meaning will begin issuing Opinion Sync Certification cards next month. Citizens are encouraged to check their local guidance on acceptable interpretation schedules. Those found engaging in unauthorized critical thinking may be referred to a Consensus Alignment Specialist for what officials describe as "intensive onboarding."

Asked to summarize the administration's vision, Dent smiled beatifically. "We're not erasing individuality. We're just version-controlling it. Everyone will be wrong in the same approved way. Unity is just error handling for democracy."

She glanced at her notes one final time. "The Constitution isn't dead. It's just been rendered. Clarification is what you do to butter—you remove the solids. The solids were your rights. What's left is smooth, golden, and spreadable."

Editor's note: This article was reviewed and approved by the Department of Meaning before publication. Any resemblance to independent journalism is coincidental and being investigated.