EU Unveils Bold "Fuck It" Doctrine In Response To Trump, Iran, Ukraine, Gaza, Venezuela

BRUSSELS — In what diplomatic historians are already calling "the most honest foreign policy statement since 'we're fucked' became unofficial NATO doctrine," EU foreign policy chief Kaja Kallas on Tuesday unveiled a comprehensive new framework for addressing the cascade of global crises currently threatening the international order: drinking.

The announcement, made during a meeting of the European Parliament's Conference of Presidents, marks the first time all 27 EU member states have achieved unanimous consensus on any issue since the 2015 decision to use the same font on all official documents. Hungary and Poland reportedly embraced, weeping.

"I'm not much of a drinker," Kallas told assembled lawmakers, before pausing for approximately four seconds while gesturing broadly at a map of current global conflicts. "But."

The "but" has since been officially entered into the parliamentary record.

The new doctrine, which officials are internally referring to as "Strategic Intoxication Protocol" or simply "the obvious thing," represents a significant departure from the bloc's previous approach of issuing strongly worded statements and hoping problems resolve themselves. Under the new framework, the EU will continue issuing strongly worded statements, but will pair each with an official drink recommendation.

Kallas' announcement came at the same time as Greenland and Danish foreign ministers were meeting with U.S. Vice President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio over President Trump's repeated threats to annex the Arctic island. When asked which meeting took priority, scheduling officials confirmed the answer was "whichever one had better refreshments."

Senior EU officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because "we're all the source now," confirmed that the Conference of Presidents — previously understood to be an urgent strategic summit — is in fact "exactly what it sounds like: powerful people drinking at 2 PM on a Tuesday."

"We started by wishing each other a happy new year," one attendee recalled. "Then we looked out the window and immediately issued a correction."

The retraction, sources confirm, was completed before the sentence was finished.

Asked about the EU's coordinated response to the full spectrum of current crises — including Trump's Greenland ambitions, mass protests against the Islamist regime in Iran, ongoing conflicts in Ukraine and Gaza, and the U.S. operation in Venezuela — officials provided what they described as "the first unified position we've taken in years."

"Where's the fucking bar," one senior diplomat stated, speaking on behalf of approximately 450 million European citizens.

Kallas, who coordinates foreign policy on behalf of all 27 EU governments — each of which is "presumably also in need of a drink" — has pledged to maintain the bloc's hardline stance on key issues. Her most recent move was announcing fresh sanctions against Iran following the government crackdown that has reportedly killed hundreds of protesters.

"Fresh sanctions," she reportedly announced at Tuesday's meeting, while visibly patting her pockets. "Also, anyone got a corkscrew?"

The diplomatic hardline, attendees noted, was "somewhat undercut by the fumbling."

The spokesperson for the EU High Representative did not immediately respond to a request for comment. Sources familiar with the communications office's current status described it as "operating on meeting-appropriate delay" and noted that "the whole building is basically drinking now."

"We're all the source," one official confirmed. "There's no point in anonymity anymore. She said it. We heard it. Everyone knows."

Kallas' remarks represent what experts are calling a significant shift in international diplomatic norms, wherein world leaders increasingly "skip straight to stage five" rather than maintaining traditional pretenses of control over global events.

"Usually the despair comes out in the memoir, years after they've left office," noted Dr. Helena Voss, a diplomatic historian at the University of Vienna. "What we're seeing now is real-time capitulation to circumstances. It's unprecedented, refreshing, and deeply alarming all at once."

The EU has officially downgraded its geopolitical strategy from "solving problems" to "coping with problems," according to internal documents leaked by officials who confirmed they no longer have "the energy to pretend."

As of press time, Kallas had successfully paired her Iran sanctions announcement with a 2019 Château Margaux, describing the combination as "robust, complex, and ultimately futile."

The EU Commission has scheduled a follow-up summit for next week to discuss implementing the new doctrine across all member states. The agenda, according to leaked documents, consists of a single item: "What time do bars open in Brussels?"

Hungary and Poland have already confirmed attendance.