Man Who Has Agreed To 11,472 Legally Binding Contracts He's Never Read Now 'Very Concerned' About What's In Them

PORTLAND, OR—Expressing a newfound sense of vigilance after reading a concerning headline on social media, local man Derek Blumstein, 34, who has agreed to 11,472 legally binding contracts without reading a single word of any of them—including one that technically signed over naming rights to his firstborn—announced Monday that he is now "very concerned" about what might be in them.

"I've really started to wake up to how much of our data these tech companies are harvesting," said Blumstein, moments after clicking "I Accept" on a 74-page Terms of Service agreement for an app that turns photos into cartoons, joining the 847 million other users who accepted the same agreement within 0.003 seconds of it appearing. "I feel like maybe I should have been paying attention this whole time."

According to sources close to Blumstein, the concerned citizen has demonstrated his commitment to digital privacy by conducting extensive research—specifically, by asking his Amazon Echo to search Google for "how to protect my data" while logged into 14 Google services simultaneously, with location services enabled, on a phone that has been listening to his conversations since 2019.

"The algorithm quietly knew my marriage was over 11 months ago," explained Blumstein's targeted advertising profile, which has been predicting his behavior with 94% accuracy since 2017. The algorithm reportedly based this assessment on: decreased shared Netflix profiles, one partner's sudden interest in "studio apartments + dog friendly + [city name]," and both partners independently Googling "how to tell if partner is Googling divorce."

Blumstein, who once whispered "maybe a kayak could be fun" to himself in his sealed basement in February 2019, is currently on Day 2,147 of a targeted kayak advertising campaign. He has since followed 14 kayak influencers, learned the difference between sit-in and sit-on-top models, and refers to himself as "kayak curious."

"I don't even live near water," said Blumstein, browsing premium kayak accessories at 2 AM. "But maybe that's the problem."

Sources within the data brokerage industry confirmed that Blumstein's "completely anonymized" profile—designated User #4,847,291,003—can be identified in 0.003 seconds by cross-referencing his unique 2:47 AM Wikipedia trajectory (Capybara → War Crimes → Capybara Again → "Can Capybaras Feel Guilt"), his specific misspelling of "restraunt," and his very particular pattern of Googling his ex's name followed by his current partner's name followed by "couples therapy cost [city]" followed by his ex's name again.

The 74-page privacy policy that Blumstein accepted, drafted at a post-doctoral reading level by 340 lawyers over 18 months at a cost of $4.7 million, has been successfully "read and agreed to" in the past 24 hours by 147 million 8-year-olds who wanted a Fortnite skin, 84,000 dogs who stepped on an iPad, and one deceased Ohio man whose auto-fill still works.

"Average time between policy display and acceptance is 0.003 seconds," noted privacy researcher Dr. Helena Voss. "The current record is negative 2 seconds—a user who clicked Accept before the page finished loading. Not a single human being has ever read Paragraph 47, Subsection C, which signs over all future descendants to be used as 'testing subjects' in 'experimental marketing initiatives.'"

Meanwhile, Blumstein triumphantly deleted Facebook last week to protect his privacy—a decision he announced on Instagram, discussed in a WhatsApp group called "F*ck Zuckerberg," celebrated with an Instagram Reel about digital freedom, and documented in his Meta VR headset to feel present with supporters. Meta's quarterly report noted that Blumstein's overall data engagement has actually increased 47% since "deleting Facebook."

"We don't know what he thinks he did," said a Meta spokesperson, "but we appreciate the content."

This week's data breach, exposing 847 million Social Security numbers, full names, addresses, passwords, security questions, mother's maiden names, and "encrypted" credit cards (encryption key also leaked), ranked 7th in the national news cycle behind: a celebrity couple's divorce update, a photo of a dog that looks like it's smiling, a tweet that "divided the internet," a gender reveal that was either "too much" or "perfect" depending on who you ask, and the same dog from a different angle.

"I have nothing to hide," Blumstein explained, gesturing toward his laptop with tape over the webcam, his secondary tape over the microphone, his third phone for "sensitive stuff," his fourth phone for "really sensitive stuff," and his Faraday bag for "important conversations." He also maintains three VPN subscriptions because he "doesn't trust any single one," and has strong opinions about which countries' VPN jurisdictions are least likely to be "compromised."

Blumstein is wanted by no government. He has committed no crimes. He is just a 34-year-old marketing coordinator who got really into YouTube videos in 2019.

At press time, Blumstein's entire identity—including his deepest fears (itemized), secret shames (ranked by intensity), likelihood of developing 47 specific medical conditions, and that thing he did in college that he thinks no one knows about—had been successfully reduced to a purchasable data package currently valued at $0.00037 USD.

The value declined $0.00002 this quarter after he turned 35 and became a "less desirable demo."

The package has been purchased 2,847 times this month. The most recent buyer was a mattress company. They know he doesn't sleep well. They know why.

When reached for comment, Blumstein confirmed he would continue "taking privacy seriously" by accepting approximately 7 more Terms of Service agreements before the end of the day, including one for a flashlight app that requests access to his contacts, camera, microphone, location, calendar, and "device identity."

"At this point, I just want to see if my phone has a flashlight," he said, clicking Accept.

The flashlight app has since been acquired by a data broker in the Cayman Islands. Blumstein's device identity is currently valued at $0.00012.

At press time, Blumstein's data had been sold an additional 47 times during the writing of this article. The purchases included: 12 mattress companies, 8 kayak retailers, 4 divorce lawyers, 3 therapists, 2 meal kit services, 1 ancestry website, and something called "DataHarvest Unlimited" which is registered to a P.O. Box that appears to be three raccoons in a business suit.