In a groundbreaking display of corporate synergy between fossil fuel extraction and public relations, the world's largest polluters have collectively released a statement urging individual citizens to "do their part" by taking shorter showers, turning off lights when leaving rooms, and absolutely not thinking about the 71% of global emissions produced by just 100 companies since 1988.

"We're all in this together," said a spokesperson for BP, the company that literally invented the concept of the personal carbon footprint in 2004 to shift attention from corporate responsibility to individual guilt. "Every degree on your thermostat matters. Every plastic bag you refuse matters. What doesn't matter, apparently, is who's actually causing this."

"The carbon footprint concept was invented by BP, turning systemic crisis into personal shame. It's like a tobacco company asking if you've tried not breathing near smokers."

The study, published in the journal Climate Accountability, found that ExxonMobil's own scientists predicted climate change with remarkable accuracy in 1977—approximately 47 years before the company's current marketing campaign featuring windmills and the phrase "advancing climate solutions."

"Our research from the 1970s was extremely accurate," confirmed a historical document Exxon definitely wishes didn't exist. "We knew this would happen. We then spent $30 million on climate denial campaigns. But that's not really the point. The point is: have you tried composting?"

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"It's like medieval indulgences, but for people who've read Burning Man"

Media coverage of the climate crisis has maintained its commitment to "balance" by giving equal airtime to the 97% of climate scientists who agree humans are causing warming and the one think tank fellow whose entire office is a P.O. box registered to a Houston strip mall.

"Both sides deserve to be heard," explained a cable news producer who has booked the same oil-funded contrarian 47 times since 2019. "Sure, one side is 10,000 peer-reviewed studies, and the other side is a guy who thinks weather and climate are the same thing. But who are we to judge?"

The 28th Conference of the Parties (COP28) concluded last month with what officials called a "historic agreement" to meet again at COP29, continuing the proud tradition of historically agreeing to keep historically agreeing. World leaders celebrated by toasting champagne flown in from four separate continents.

"We've had 28 COPs and the main achievement is agreeing to have a 29th one. It's like an AA meeting where everyone agrees drinking is bad while actively drinking."

Congressional hearings on climate change have proven equally productive, with one recent session dedicated to asking a climate scientist who predicted current conditions accurately in 1988 whether he was aware that it snowed in Washington D.C. last winter.

"If the globe is warming, explain snow," demanded one congressman from a district receiving $2.3 million annually in fossil fuel donations, before yielding his time to a colleague who wanted to discuss whether volcanoes.

At press time, the world's governments had agreed to subsidize fossil fuels $7 trillion annually while debating whether paper straws represent economic terrorism against the restaurant industry.