๐Ÿฆƒ๐Ÿ’€

The PFAS Thanksgiving Doom Spiral

A Visual Guide to America's Most Ironic Holiday

๐Ÿ”„ The Master Doom Loop

๐ŸŒฒIndigenous fire management (10,000 years)
โ†“ ๐Ÿšซ BANNED (1800s)
๐Ÿ”ฅ100 years of fire suppression
โ†“
โ›ฝMassive fuel buildup
โ†“
๐ŸŒก๏ธ+ Climate change
โ†“
๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅMEGAFIRES
โ†“
๐Ÿ ๐Ÿ’จBurning homes release PFAS
โ†“
๐ŸงฏPFAS foam used to fight fires
โ†“
๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿš’Firefighters wear PFAS gear
โ†“
๐ŸŒPFAS contaminates soil/water
โ†“
๐Ÿฆƒ๐ŸฆŒWildlife eats/drinks contamination
โ†“
โš ๏ธ"DO NOT EAT" advisory
โ†“
๐Ÿ“…Released on THANKSGIVING MORNING
โ†“
๐ŸคทAmerica eats store-bought turkey
โ†“
๐Ÿงด๐Ÿบ๐Ÿ‘—๐Ÿณ...also full of PFAS
โ†“
๐Ÿ’€6,800+ cancer deaths/year (UNDERCOUNTED)
โ†“
๐Ÿ“ŠStudy documents deaths
โ†“
๐Ÿ’ฐLobbyists see study
โ†“
๐Ÿ—‘๏ธSTUDY RETRACTED
โ†“
โ“"How many deaths?" โ†’ "What deaths?"
โ†“
๐ŸฆƒHappy Thanksgiving!

๐Ÿ“Š Gem Layers at a Glance

Layer Emoji Theme Gems Peak Irony
1 ๐Ÿฆƒ Turkey Poisoning 13 Advisory released ON Thanksgiving
2 ๐Ÿ”„ PFAS Doom Loop 5 Your couch poisons your turkey
3 ๐ŸŒก๏ธ Climate Feedback 4 Feedback loop = poisoned dinner
4 ๐Ÿ”ฅ Fire Suppression 9 Banning fire created megafires
5 ๐Ÿ’€ Population Death 3 98% contaminated, study undercounts
6 ๐Ÿ“Š๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ Study Retraction 14 Truth retracted for being true
TOTAL 48

๐ŸŽฏ The Irony Pyramid

๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ
๐Ÿ“Š STUDY "Too many deaths"
๐Ÿ’€ DEATHS 6,800/yr (undercount)
๐Ÿฉธ 98% OF USA HAS PFAS IN BLOOD
๐Ÿฆƒ๐ŸฆŒ๐ŸŸ WILDLIFE CONTAMINATED "GLOBALLY"
๐Ÿ’ง๐ŸŒ SOIL & WATER PERMANENTLY CONTAMINATED
๐Ÿงฏ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿš’ FIREFIGHTING: FOAM + GEAR + SMOKE = TRIPLE PFAS
๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ MEGAFIRES โ€” Created by 100 years of fire suppression
๐Ÿฆƒ THANKSGIVING TURKEY โ€” "Do Not Eat" โ€” Released: THANKSGIVING MORNING

๐Ÿงช The PFAS Exposure Wheel

๐ŸณCookware
๐ŸงดCosmetics
๐ŸฅกPackaging
๐ŸบBeer
๐ŸงนCarpets
๐Ÿ’งWater
๐Ÿ‘—Clothing
๐ŸฆƒTurkey
๐Ÿ˜ถ
โš ๏ธ "DO NOT EAT"
โ†’
๐Ÿ“Š Study: 6,800 deaths
โ†’
๐Ÿ’ฐ Lobbyists
โ†’
๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ Study Retracted
โ†’
๐Ÿคท Problem Solved!

The study counted: ๐Ÿ’ง (1 source)
Actual sources: ๐Ÿณ๐Ÿงด๐Ÿ‘—๐Ÿงน๐Ÿฅก๐Ÿบ๐Ÿ’ง๐Ÿฆƒ๐ŸŒฌ๏ธ (ALL OF THEM)

๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿš’ Firefighter Doom Trifecta

๐Ÿ˜ฎโ€๐Ÿ’จ
BREATHE
๐Ÿ ๐Ÿ’จ Burning homes (PFAS products)
๐Ÿ‘•
WEAR
๐Ÿงฅ Turnout gear (PFAS-coated)
๐Ÿงฏ
SPRAY
๐Ÿซง AFFF Foam (PFAS-based)
๐Ÿ“Š RESULT: 90% of line-of-duty deaths = CANCER

๐Ÿ•ฐ๏ธ The Timeline of Consequences

Pre-1800s
๐ŸŒฒ๐Ÿ”ฅ Indigenous fire management
Healthy forests, small fires
1800s
๐Ÿšซ๐Ÿ”ฅ Colonizers ban burning
Fuel starts accumulating
1935
โฐ๐Ÿš’ "10 AM Policy"
Suppress ALL fires by 10 AM
1950s
๐Ÿงชโœจ PFAS invented
"Non-stick! Waterproof! Forever!"
1950s-2024
๐Ÿณ๐Ÿ‘—๐Ÿงน๐Ÿฅก๐Ÿงฏ PFAS in everything
Products, foam, gear, packaging
2000s
๐ŸŒก๏ธ๐Ÿ“ˆ Climate change accelerates
Longer fire seasons, drier fuel
2020s
๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ Megafires explode
10M+ acres/year burning
2024
๐Ÿฆƒโ˜ ๏ธ Wildlife contaminated globally
"Do not eat" advisories
11/27/2024
๐Ÿ“…๐Ÿฆƒโš ๏ธ Maine issues turkey advisory
ON THANKSGIVING MORNING
2024
๐Ÿ“Š๐Ÿ’€ Study: 6,800 deaths/year
From drinking water ALONE
2024
๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ๐Ÿ’ฐ Study retracted
"Population groundswell mitigation"
2025+
โณโ“ Remediation
"Decades" (if ever)
3024
โ™พ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ PFAS still in ecosystem
Outlasts civilization

๐Ÿ’€ The Undercount Calculator

๐Ÿ“Š WHAT THE STUDY COUNTED
โœ… ๐Ÿ’ง Drinking water (half the country only)
๐Ÿ“Š WHAT THE STUDY DIDN'T COUNT
โŒ๐Ÿ’ง Drinking water (other half of country)
โŒ๐Ÿ’ง Most contaminated areas
โŒ๐Ÿฝ๏ธ Food exposure
โŒ๐ŸŒฌ๏ธ Air exposure
โŒ๐Ÿงน Dust exposure
โŒ๐Ÿ‘ท Occupational exposure
โŒ๐Ÿ›’ Consumer product exposure
Study Result
6,800 deaths/yr
Actual Result
ยฏ\_(ใƒ„)_/ยฏ
Study Status
๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ RETRACTED
Reason
"Population groundswell mitigation"

๐Ÿ† Top 10 Gems (Ranked by Irony)

๐Ÿฅ‡
The study was retracted not because it was wrong, but because it was correct in a way that was inconvenient
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
๐Ÿฅˆ
This year, the turkey pardons YOU
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
๐Ÿฅ‰
We colonized the land, banned Indigenous fire practices, created 100 years of fuel buildup, invented forever chemicals, put them in everything, built houses full of them in fire zones, and now the turkeys are poison. This is not a system, it's a Rube Goldberg machine of consequences.
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
4
"Population groundswell mitigation" โ€” because "suppressing evidence of mass poisoning" tested poorly with focus groups
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
5
90% of firefighter line-of-duty deaths are from cancer. They're poisoned by the gear they wear, the foam they spray, and the smoke from your PFAS-laden carpets. Happy Thanksgiving!
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
6
The study found 6,800 cancer deaths per year. The retraction found 0 cancer deaths per year. Science!
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
7
"Do not eat" advisories now cover 17 states โ€” still fewer than the states that ban books
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
8
California banned PFAS foam. The PFAS from the previous 70 years of foam will be ready for comment in approximately 3024.
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
9
The Forest Service's 1935 "10 AM Policy" (extinguish all fires by 10 AM): the origin story for your poisoned Thanksgiving turkey.
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ
10
Retracting the study doesn't un-poison the water. But it does un-poison the quarterly earnings call.
โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ

๐ŸŽญ The Satirical Layers (Emoji Legend)

๐Ÿฆƒ THANKSGIVING
Surface irony
๐Ÿ”„ DOOM LOOP
Systemic irony
๐Ÿ”ฅ FIRE SUPPRESSION
Historical irony
๐Ÿ’€ DEATH TOLL
Population irony
๐Ÿ“Š๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ RETRACTION
Meta irony
๐Ÿ“Š๐Ÿ—‘๏ธโ† They retracted the study
โ†‘
๐Ÿ’€โ† That counted the deaths
โ†‘
๐Ÿ”„โ† From the doom loop
โ†‘
๐Ÿ”ฅโ† We created by banning fire
โ†‘
๐Ÿฆƒโ† That poisoned Thanksgiving

๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ The American Wayโ„ข

๐ŸŒฒ"We know better than Indigenous peoples"
โ†“
๐Ÿ”ฅCreates megafires
โ†“
๐Ÿงช"We invented forever chemicals!"
โ†“
โ˜ ๏ธPoisons everything forever
โ†“
๐Ÿ“Š"Let's study how many people are dying"
โ†“
๐Ÿ’ฐ"Actually, let's not"
โ†“
๐Ÿ—‘๏ธRetracts study
โ†“
๐Ÿฆƒ"Happy Thanksgiving!"
โ†“
๐Ÿคท"Why is everyone sick?"