BELLEVUE, WA — In a stunning vindication of doing absolutely nothing for nearly two decades, Valve Corporation announced this week that its 350 employees are on track to generate $17 billion in revenue this year, proving once and for all that the future of work is letting other people do it.

"We've achieved peak efficiency by eliminating both middle management AND game development," said nobody at Valve, because the company's flat organizational structure means there's no spokesperson and also no one to blame for the 18-year absence of Gordon Freeman. "Turns out you can skip the 'making products' step entirely and just become the store."

The numbers are staggering. At roughly $50 million per employee, Valve generates more revenue per person than companies that actually make things — a revelation that has sent shockwaves through corporate America. Amazon CEO Andy Jassy was reportedly seen weeping into a spreadsheet after calculating that one Valve employee generates more revenue than his entire HR department combined.

"They maintain a digital shopping cart used by 132 million people," explained economist Dr. Rebecca Torres, adjusting her glasses. "That's 350 employees, which suggests that 349 of them are working on Half-Life 3." She paused. "They are not."

The company's legendary employee handbook, first published in 2012, states that workers should "work on what interests you" — a policy that has apparently not included the number 3 since 2007. The handbook also boasts about the company's generous compensation, with leaked data revealing an average salary of $1.3 million per employee.

"Thirteen hundred thousand dollars a year to press the 'approve for Steam' button and occasionally ban a cheater in Counter-Strike," marveled one industry analyst. "Meanwhile, I have a PhD and make $67,000."

Critics have pointed out that Valve pioneered loot boxes in PC gaming, which remains their most actively developed game mechanic to date. But defenders argue the company revolutionized the industry by inventing a way to take 30% of everyone else's games — a business model so elegant that even Wall Street hedge fund managers have reportedly called it "honestly kind of evil, but in an impressive way."

Being privately owned means Gabe Newell answers to no shareholders, only to fans who have given up asking. The flat structure ensures every employee is equally responsible for both the company's success and the 47,000 asset-flip hentai games currently available on the storefront.

When reached for comment, Valve's customer support team responded within their standard timeframe of one geological epoch.

At press time, Valve employees were seen not developing Half-Life 3 while earning more in a week than most Americans make in a decade.