LINKEDIN DOT COM — In a breakthrough that has sent shockwaves through the global scientific community and the "Open to Work" demographic alike, a retired electronic security professional with 30+ years of experience installing motion sensors at regional strip malls has finally cracked the code on human limb regeneration, according to a post that received 73 reactions.

Vincentius Liong/Leong, whose previous contributions to human knowledge include a 2019 post titled "5 Leadership Lessons I Learned From My Morning Coffee," revealed Monday that "your body already knows how to regrow limbs" — a discovery that apparently eluded researchers at Harvard, MIT, and every pharmaceutical company on Earth until a man whose LinkedIn headline contains the phrase "Retired Leader" decided to weigh in.

"The science behind this is mind blowing," wrote Liong/Leong, in what evolutionary biologists are calling "technically a sentence."

According to the post, which has been edited at least once for reasons that remain between Liong/Leong and God, humans produce "the exact same regeneration chemicals" as salamanders. The key difference, scientists now believe, is that evolution made a catastrophic product decision approximately 300 million years ago by shipping "fast healing via scar tissue" instead of "regrow entire leg," and frankly, shareholders are furious.

"The genetic machinery for regeneration is still there, just dormant," the post explains, much like your Duolingo streak, your novel draft, your gym membership, and your 2019 New Year's resolution to "finally learn Python."

The post goes on to cite research from "institutions like the MDI Biological Laboratory and Harvard," deploying the word "blastema" in paragraph four to establish scientific credibility before never explaining what happens to it. Scientists at these institutions could not be reached for comment, possibly because they were unaware their decades of painstaking research had been summarized in a LinkedIn post between an inspirational quote about leadership and an AI-generated image of a salamander.

"Here's where it gets interesting," Liong/Leong writes — a phrase that has never once, in the history of LinkedIn, preceded actually interesting information. The post explains that "researchers are getting closer to finding the key," which is the exact same sentence that has appeared in Popular Science approximately every 18 months since 1974.

The post is accompanied by an AI-generated image depicting a translucent human hand covered in glowing hexagons next to what appears to be a salamander made entirely of holographic Fruit Roll-Ups. The image credit reads "CTTO" — the LinkedIn content farmer's sacred incantation, roughly translating to "I have absolutely no idea where this came from, and legally speaking, you cannot prove that I should."

Perhaps most remarkably, the post promises that similar approaches "might help humans regenerate damaged heart tissue, heal severe burns, and restore function to injured nerves" — a medical trifecta that stops just short of promising to cure male pattern baldness, presumably because even LinkedIn has limits.

"The implications are staggering," the post concludes, before being cut off mid-sentence — a fitting end, as actually explaining the implications would require knowing what they are.

At press time, the post had accumulated 35 comments, 21 reposts, and engagement roughly equivalent to a colleague announcing their promotion to Regional Sales Director, except this one promises functional immortality.

Reached for comment, a spokesperson for the salamander community said: "Please leave us out of this."