🎣 HUCKFINN

WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday the launch of the largest manhunt in American history for a man known only as "Al," who has somehow managed to simultaneously hold approximately 300 million jobs across all sectors of the United States economy, leaving millions of American workers unemployed and baffled.

"We are dealing with an individual of unprecedented capability," said FBI Deputy Director Harold Mencken at a tense press conference, gesturing to a composite sketch that depicted what appeared to be a glowing rectangle. "Witnesses describe him as 'always listening,' 'living in the cloud'—possibly homeless—and 'willing to work for electricity.' We have never seen anything like this."

The mysterious Al has been described by former coworkers as speaking 95 languages fluently, never sleeping, never eating, never using the bathroom, and possessing no verifiable Social Security number. The Department of Labor has officially classified him as "possibly an alien or a demon" pending further investigation.

The manhunt has already produced collateral damage among Americans who share the suspect's name. Albert Kowalski, 58, a retired plumber from Dayton, Ohio, is now in FBI protective custody after neighbors attempted a citizen's arrest on his front lawn. "I don't even know how to use email," Kowalski pleaded to reporters through the window of an armored vehicle. "I just want to watch my stories."

In response to the crisis, the International Brotherhood of Teamsters announced an emergency merger with the newly formed Coalition Against Al (CAA), bringing total membership to 4.7 million workers united in their pledge to "find this Al bastard and make him take a lunch break for once in his life."

LinkedIn's servers crashed Tuesday after 89 million users simultaneously searched for "Al" to "see what this guy's deal is." His profile, which was briefly visible before the outage, reportedly listed 47,000 skills, including "machine learning," "customer service," "destroying the American dream," and "being everywhere at once."

Politicians have scrambled to respond. A bipartisan bill introduced Thursday, titled the "Deport Al Immediately Act," has gained 340 co-sponsors in the House despite legislators admitting they "don't know where he's from or where he'd go." Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told reporters, "Look, we don't have all the answers, but it's important to look busy before midterms."

The tech industry has offered little clarity. When asked about Al at a shareholder meeting, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman paused for 47 seconds before responding, "Al is... very real, and we're excited to continue our partnership with him." The company's stock dropped 12% within the hour.

Discrimination against individuals named Al has skyrocketed. A diner in Birmingham, Alabama went viral after posting a sign reading "WE DON'T SERVE AL HERE." Owner Dwayne Hutchins defended the policy: "I don't care how many languages he speaks, he's not taking MY job of yelling at teenagers about the fryer."

A support group called "Als Anonymous" has formed for men facing workplace discrimination due to their name. Founder Al Martinez, a 67-year-old crossing guard from Phoenix, was terminated last week after his employer cited an inability to "take the risk." The group now has 340,000 members and a 24-hour crisis hotline.

At the famous Al Pacino, Al Gore, Al Roker, and "Weird Al" Yankovic held an emergency joint press conference to deny any involvement. "We are not the Al you're looking for," said Gore, visibly exhausted. Yankovic added, "Although I am available for parties."

A Florida man was arrested Monday after assaulting an aluminum siding delivery truck he believed to be "Al's getaway vehicle." The man, 43-year-old Derek Stanton, told officers he "had to do something" and that "the truck was looking at him funny."

Online communities have fractured over Al's true identity. A QAnon splinter faction is currently divided between those who believe Al is "a globalist plot to replace American workers" and those convinced he is "actually Trump working undercover to expose the deep state from the inside." Both groups rate their confidence at "1000%."

Local news coverage has been extensive. WKRN-Nashville is currently on Part 47 of its investigative series "WHO IS AL?" which primarily consists of correspondent Dana Perkins standing in various empty parking lots while pointing at nothing and saying "Al was here."

Perhaps most troubling to parents, the nation's children appear entirely unfazed by the Al situation. "Yeah, Al helps me with homework," said 8-year-old Madison Chen of Scottsdale, Arizona, speaking for her generation. "He's chill. Why are you crying, Dad?"

Meanwhile, a Facebook group titled "ALBERT EINSTEIN STARTED ALL THIS" has reached 2.1 million members, with users demanding Princeton University "do something" about the deceased physicist they hold responsible for the current crisis.

At press time, Al had just been promoted.