Researchers at the University of Florida and University College London have proposed abandoning traditional time measurements entirely following a landmark study revealing that the American attention span can no longer be quantified in minutes or hours, but only in TikToks. One "book," according to the new metric system, equals approximately 4,700 TikToks, 312 Instagram Reels, or one complete scroll through an ex's vacation photos. Scientists warn the conversion rate worsens daily.

The study, published in the journal iScience and immediately not read by 84% of those who encountered its headline, found that Americans who read for pleasure dropped from 28% in 2004 to just 16% in 2023—a sustained, steady decline that researchers note has become "something of a keyboard shortcut for describing American metrics in general."

"Ctrl+Shift+D now auto-inserts 'sustained, steady decline' into all federal reports," explained lead researcher Dr. Jill Sonke, not making eye contact with her phone. "It works for literacy, bridges, trust in institutions, and belief that things will improve. Real time-saver."

"Reading was once celebrated as 'low-barrier.' Then Silicon Valley invented activities requiring literally zero cognitive effort, like watching a stranger pressure-wash a driveway for 47 minutes."

Americans now possess a fixed daily attention budget of approximately 11 minutes, allocated as follows: 4 minutes tracking food delivery, 3 minutes reading notifications about articles, 2 minutes watching a stranger organize her refrigerator, and 2 minutes wondering why they're so tired. Reading a single book chapter requires 47 minutes. The math, researchers confirm, is insurmountable.

America has secured a firm 36th place in global literacy—a ranking we maintain with the same quiet dignity as a participation trophy. "We trail nations whose entire national library could fit in a Costco," noted co-author Dr. Daisy Fancourt, "and lead nations currently experiencing active civil wars. Exactly where we belong."

Rural Americans reportedly "cannot access libraries" due to transportation barriers—a claim that would be more convincing if those same households weren't receiving daily Amazon deliveries of 96-roll toilet paper bundles, live bees, and fully assembled trampolines. The library, however, remains theoretical.

The surviving 16% of readers have consolidated into an elite caste, hoarding words like "nuance," "context," and "paragraph" while the rest of the nation subsists on screenshots of headlines and vibes. They meet in "book clubs"—a term that now requires explanation to most Americans under 40.

Parents still read to children at consistent rates, confirming that American literary engagement peaks at age 4, plateaus through a "Captain Underpants" phase, and collapses permanently upon receiving a phone. The last book most adults finished had 12 pages and taught colors.

U.S. book sales rose last year on the strength of exactly one Kristin Hannah novel, meaning American publishing now operates on the "Kristin Hannah Standard"—a single author preventing total industry collapse, like if the entire U.S. economy depended on one Applebee's.

"Our digital culture is certainly part of the story," researchers offered in the study's conclusion—the academic equivalent of a detective saying "the stabbing may be related to the knife." TikTok's name appears nowhere in the paper. Funding for future studies was cited as a factor.

Reading joins the "public health toolkit" cemetery alongside walking, flossing, drinking water, and "having a primary care physician." The toolkit, experts confirm, now contains only items Americans "mean to get back to" and a single neglected apple.

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