HuckFinn

NEW YORK — In a development that has delighted HR departments and terrified anyone who has ever had a thought, former Secret Service agent and professional secret-extractor Evy Poumpouras has advised American workers to deploy the same emotional suppression techniques she used while interrogating suspected criminals—including, in one memorable anecdote, a teenager accused of assaulting a toddler.

"Don't bring your authentic self to work. I don't want your authentic self," Poumpouras declared on a podcast, presumably while maintaining the exact poker face she once used to interview child predators. "I want your professional self. I want your respectful self. I want your competent self."

The statement, which reads like the mission statement for a particularly efficient dystopia, was published without apparent irony in a major business publication, where it was presented as career advice rather than the plot of a Black Mirror episode.

To illustrate why employees should suppress all genuine human emotion, Poumpouras shared an anecdote about interrogating a 16-year-old boy who had allegedly assaulted a 3-year-old girl. "What would my authentic self say?" she asked rhetorically. "'What are you thinking? How could you?' No, I brought my professional self."

The comparison—between interviewing suspected child abusers and attending your company's 10 a.m. standup meeting—was apparently intended to be instructive rather than deeply concerning.

When reached for comment, the 3-year-old victim declined to weigh in on whether this interrogation technique translates well to quarterly performance reviews.

Poumpouras, author of the book Becoming Bulletproof, appears to have concluded that in the modern workplace, your personality is the bullet. The book, which teaches readers how to project unshakeable confidence through emotional armor, now serves as required reading at several Fortune 500 companies and at least one maximum-security prison.

"Honestly, nobody cares," Poumpouras added, in what may be the most efficient summary of corporate culture ever committed to audio. The quote is expected to appear on motivational posters in breakrooms nationwide by Q2 2026.

The article briefly—very briefly, around paragraph eleven—acknowledged research from Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management suggesting that workplace authenticity actually improves well-being, colleague relationships, and organizational commitment. The study was mentioned in the same tone one might use to note that some people believe the earth is round.

The research also found that authenticity is "particularly difficult for marginalized and minority groups," a finding that the article about the dangers of authenticity chose not to explore in depth, or really at all, before returning to the main thesis that your true self is a liability.

According to Poumpouras, authenticity leads to "sloppiness," which she contrasted with the smooth efficiency of a workplace where everyone has successfully impersonated the same LinkedIn profile. "That's not a team," she said of authentic workplaces, before describing her ideal team as a group of people who have "genuinely" abandoned their genuine selves.

The distinction between "genuine" and "authentic" was not clarified, possibly because the clarification would have required Poumpouras to express a genuine opinion.

Perhaps most helpfully, Poumpouras offered a narrow window for self-expression: "You can bring your authentic self to a Thanksgiving meal with your family if you'd like to." The advice acknowledges Thanksgiving as the one American institution where authenticity is not only permitted but traditionally results in at least one relative leaving early.

Ryne Sherman, chief science officer at Hogan Assessment Systems, agreed with the broad strokes. "Bringing your authentic self to work could get you into trouble," he confirmed, giving the example of responding to a frustrating email by "screaming" or "stomping." Sherman acknowledged that suppressing the urge to scream at work is technically "inauthentic" but argued this is good, actually.

Neither expert addressed what happens to the screaming once suppressed, though several workplace shooting statistics were available upon request.

As of press time, millions of American workers were reporting to jobs where they would spend 8-10 hours performing elaborate impressions of people who don't have feelings, before returning home to briefly acknowledge they exist, then doing it all again tomorrow.

The authentic selves, meanwhile, remain in the parking lot, where they were asked to wait.