Area man Marcus Chen, 34, a senior engineer at a mid-sized fintech company, has reportedly replaced his employer's $50,000-per-year enterprise software contract with mass-produced shitcode he built while waiting for his Chipotle burrito to cool down to an edible temperature, sources confirmed this week.

"I genuinely did not set out to destroy a $4 trillion industry," Chen told reporters, speaking from his standing desk where he is currently destroying a $4 trillion industry. "I just really didn't want to attend that vendor call. They always want to 'sync on our roadmap alignment' for like ninety minutes."

Chen's hastily-constructed internal tool—described by colleagues as "definitely not production-ready" and "oh god, is that a nested for-loop?"—has nonetheless outperformed the enterprise solution it replaced on every metric except "number of account executives asking about Q4 budget cycles."

The Maintenance Question No One Asked

"But who will maintain these internal tools?" asked a panel of visibly sweating SaaS executives at the annual Enterprise Software Summit, apparently forgetting that their industry charges $80,000 per year for software that has not been updated since Obama's first term.

Industry analysts have noted that the entire SaaS sector now appears to have been an elaborate 25-year bet that customers would never Google "how hard is this actually." That bet, sources confirm, has not paid off.

The AI Agent Advantage

Enterprise analysts have praised AI agents for their unique value proposition: they never quit, never unionize, and never post a LinkedIn carousel about how getting fired was "actually the best thing that ever happened to me." They also do not require headcount approval, kombucha fridges, or "mental health days" that are actually just Tuesdays.

Meanwhile, SaaS executives across Silicon Valley have reported experiencing what psychologists are calling "collective ego death" upon learning that per-seat licensing is not a law of thermodynamics but rather, in the words of one anonymous source, "some shit we made up in 2007."

The Rise Of The Shadow CEO

Perhaps no figure better exemplifies the shifting power dynamics than DevOps engineer Bradley Kominski, 29, who has reportedly become the shadow CEO of three Fortune 500 companies after their respective boards realized he is the only person who knows how to restart the 47 internal tools that replaced Salesforce, Workday, and Janet from Accounting.

"I don't know what Janet did," admitted one board member, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Accounting things, I assume. We automated her in 2019 and now Bradley is the only one who knows the cron job schedule."

Kominski did not respond to requests for comment, as he was busy approving his own unlimited PTO policy.

The Investor Reckoning

At a recent board meeting that witnesses described as "tense" and "featuring a lot of staring at phones," veteran VC partner Harrison Whitmore III asked what sources confirmed was a question that has never been uttered in 15 years of board meetings.

"Wait," Whitmore reportedly said, looking up from his phone for the first time since 2019. "What if customers simply… didn't?"

The question—widely considered unanswerable by modern portfolio theory—sent shockwaves through the enterprise software sector. Multiple founders were seen updating their LinkedIn profiles to "Open to Opportunities" before the meeting adjourned.

Financial analysts have since revised their valuations for the sector, with several firms now pricing Series C rounds at "one bored senior engineer with Claude access and a mild grudge against your pricing page."

The Only Moat Left

Not all executives are despairing. Slack leadership released a statement expressing cautious optimism, noting that their product's moat remains "people are too lazy to tell 400 vendors their new chat app URL."

"We ran the numbers," a Slack spokesperson confirmed. "Switching costs are real when the switching cost is 'sending an email to Brenda in procurement.'"

The company's stock rose 3% on the news before falling 47% when someone realized that updating a Slack webhook URL takes approximately four seconds.