Pentagon Unveils Classified Doctrine On Strategic Risks Of Marrying Strippers

WASHINGTON — In what Pentagon officials are calling "the most significant doctrinal development since the pivot to the Pacific," the Department of Defense has finally declassified the existence of MCI 80085D, a comprehensive training program designed to address what top brass have internally designated as "The Cinnamon Doctrine" — the systematic threat posed by matrimonial entanglements with exotic dancers.

The revelation, first reported by this publication after a FOIA request that took seven years and four different administrations to process, confirms what junior enlisted personnel have long suspected: somewhere between planning amphibious assaults on peer adversaries and maintaining nuclear deterrence, generals found time to address the real existential threat facing American combat readiness — PFC Schmuckatelli's fiancée "Destiny."

"A GS-15 somewhere typed this into the system, watched it spell 'BOOBS' on their calculator, and hit submit anyway," said one anonymous Pentagon source, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were laughing too hard to provide their name. "That person deserves a medal. Possibly the Distinguished Service Cross."

The document's origin can be traced to Marine Barracks Washington, D.C. — the ceremonial unit that guards the Commandant's house, performs at presidential inaugurations, and, apparently, moonlights as relationship counselors for strip club enthusiasts. Sources within the unit declined to comment, though one staff NCO was seen weeping quietly into a copy of the base liberty policy.

According to internal memos obtained by HuckFinn, the training program achieved distribution metrics that cybersecurity awareness training "can only dream of." One slide, labeled "SWOT ANALYSIS: MATRIMONY (EXOTIC)," read: "Strengths: Flexible schedule. Weaknesses: Your bank account. Opportunities: None. Threats: Her 'roommate' Viper."

The target demographic for the training, sources confirm, is very specifically 19-year-olds with a Charger at 29% APR, a ring from the Navy Exchange, and a marriage proposal drafted on a cocktail napkin still sticky with body glitter.

"We identified a capability gap," explained a retired Colonel who asked to be identified only as "the guy who signed off on this." He retired three days after the document's publication. His wife, he noted, "has questions."

Perhaps most remarkably, the document's original social media posting garnered exactly 69 comments — a number that Pentagon analysts say "proves the algorithm understands irony" and that the internet, when presented with content of sufficient cultural importance, "always knows."

When asked for official comment, a Pentagon spokesperson stared silently at this reporter for approximately 45 seconds before responding: "The Department of Defense remains committed to the readiness and wellbeing of all service members. Next question."

The spokesperson then excused himself, and the sound of muffled laughter could be heard from behind a closed door for several minutes.