Congress Enters 'Final Stages' Of Not Doing Anything About Healthcare For 8th Consecutive Year

WASHINGTON — In what congressional observers are calling "the most significant development in the ongoing process of there being no developments," Speaker of the House Mike Johnson emerged from behind closed doors Friday to announce that Republicans are in the "final stages" of making "final decisions" about potentially having a healthcare plan at some point, possibly.

"We're getting close," confirmed House Majority Leader Steve Scalise, using a phrase that has described Republican healthcare policy since Barack Obama was in his first term. When pressed on what "close" means, Scalise clarified: "We have a couple more conversations to have," adding that those conversations would likely involve discussions about scheduling future conversations.

The announcement comes as 24 million Americans face the prospect of their insurance premiums more than doubling in 19 days, a timeline that Congress has addressed by entering what Johnson called a "last-minute sprint" — following what historians are now describing as "a 15-year period of extensive stretching and light jogging in place."

President Donald Trump, speaking at a White House holiday party Thursday night, offered his own solution to the healthcare crisis: "beautiful, big payments directly to the people."

When asked how much these beautiful payments would be, Trump indicated they would be "big." When asked how big, he confirmed they would be "beautiful." Treasury officials later clarified that while the payments would indeed be adjectives, the specific adjectives had not yet been determined, and Americans should not attempt to deposit adjectives at this time.

The Republican proposal that failed in the Senate this week would have provided Americans with $1,000 to $1,500 per year in health savings accounts — an amount that healthcare economists note would cover approximately 40% of a single ambulance ride, or one MRI if the patient agrees to interpret the results themselves.

"The plan would reduce premiums for ALL Americans, not just the 7% currently enrolled in ACA plans," Johnson explained, outlining a strategy that experts are calling "helping everyone by specifically removing help from the people who have it."

Johnson emphasized that the Republican approach would expand "association health plans," which critics note provide "skimpier coverage" than ACA-compliant plans. Proponents counter that "skimpy" is just another word for "freedom" — specifically, the freedom to not be covered for the thing you end up having.

Meanwhile, multiple competing discharge petitions are circulating through Congress, creating what political scientists describe as "the appearance of activity while remaining completely stationary" — a phenomenon known in physics as "Congressional Brownian Motion."

Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries, when asked whether Democrats would support the bipartisan petitions, offered a decisive response: "We'll have more to say about it early next week." This statement is scheduled to arrive approximately 72 hours after it would have mattered, which Jeffries described as "right on schedule."

The various petitions have achieved a notable milestone: for the first time in history, members of Congress are simultaneously signing multiple competing documents that all accomplish the same thing (nothing), representing what scholars are calling "procedural bipartisanship" — agreeing across the aisle that signing things feels productive.

As of press time, Johnson had returned behind closed doors for additional huddling, Scalise had confirmed that conversations were ongoing about the status of the conversations, and 24 million Americans had been advised to "hang tight" while Congress completes its 2025 goal of acknowledging that a problem exists.

The huddle is expected to continue.

This is a developing story. Additional developments may develop, but historically they have not.