TRUCKEE, CA — In a bold move that experts are calling "technically a solution," Boreal Mountain ski resort has begun combating the effects of climate change by significantly accelerating climate change, burning unprecedented amounts of fossil fuels to manufacture artificial snow to replace the natural snow that disappeared because of fossil fuels.

"We've probably used 500 gallons of snow to put the product we have up on the hill," said Tucker Norred, Boreal's marketing director, quantifying frozen precipitation using a unit of measurement previously reserved for milk, gasoline, and large smoothie orders.

The revelation that snow is now measured in gallons — and referred to as "the product" — marks what industry analysts are calling "a late capitalism milestone" and "genuinely the most dystopian thing I've heard this week."

"It's just been a waiting game with temperatures," Norred continued, describing nature's stubborn refusal to cooperate with Q4 revenue projections. When asked whether the resort had considered the irony of burning coal-powered electricity to freeze water that used to freeze for free, Norred stared blankly for several seconds before asking if we wanted to see the terrain park.

The quote, delivered without apparent irony, has since been described by observers as "the most accidentally profound statement of 2024" and "a man watching the apocalypse in real-time and processing it as a mild inconvenience to his weekend plans."

Price confirmed he still plans to return next season.

The Ouroboros Economy

Environmental economists have identified the resort's approach as a textbook example of what they're calling "the ouroboros economy" — a system in which the solution to a problem caused by consumption is more consumption.

"Let me see if I have this right," said Dr. Patricia Hernandez, climate scientist at UC Davis. "They're burning fossil fuels to power machines that freeze water to create artificial snow to replace natural snow that melted because of fossil fuels, so that people can drive fossil-fuel vehicles 200 miles round-trip to slide down the fake snow on petroleum-based skis and then drive home. And everyone involved calls this 'enjoying nature.'"

"Yes, that's correct," we confirmed.

"I need to sit down," said Dr. Hernandez, who was already sitting.

The Water Math

According to resort officials, snowmaking operations require approximately 150,000 gallons of water per day — water that, in a region historically plagued by drought, might otherwise be used for agriculture, drinking, or the continued existence of several fish species.

"We prefer to think of it as 'recreational water storage,'" said Norred, gesturing at the thin strip of grayish slush winding down an otherwise brown mountainside.

Representatives for the fish were unavailable for comment, though a spokesperson for the Truckee River Watershed Council did note that "this is certainly a choice that has been made."

The California Paradox

Perhaps most remarkably, California officials recently declared that over 83% of the state is "drought-free" — a celebration that arrived just in time for ski resorts to notice they have no snow.

"These two things are both true and not contradictory," explained a state water official, who asked not to be named because they were "not sure they understood their own statement."

Expert Response

The Sierra Nevada Conservancy, in a press release that appears to have been written by someone developing a twitch, described the situation as requiring attention to "the dizzying pace of drastic change."

"Dizzying," noted linguist Dr. Sarah Chen. "Drastic. Change. Three words, each doing enormous heavy lifting to avoid saying 'everything is on fire and/or melting.'"

The Conservancy's full statement went on to recommend "investing in resilience" and "restoring forest health," which Dr. Chen translated as "please, for the love of God, stop making it worse."

The Visitor Experience

Despite conditions that one reviewer described as "skiing on a Slurpee surrounded by a parking lot," Boreal Mountain reports that visitor satisfaction remains high, primarily because "there are literally no lift lines."

"It's actually kind of nice," said one skier, surveying the empty chairlifts and exposed geological features. "I mean, I drove three hours and paid $180 to make four runs on what is essentially frozen tap water, but at least it's not crowded."

The mountain watched silently.

At press time, Boreal Mountain announced plans to install air conditioning units on the slopes to combat rising temperatures, powered by a new on-site coal plant.