THE VOID BETWEEN YEARS — As the nation enters its annual week-long temporal anomaly between Christmas and New Year's, millions of American workers have reported losing all sense of time, purpose, and basic hygiene standards in what experts are calling "the PTO Dead Zone."

"I woke up today convinced it was Tuesday," said marketing manager Jennifer Walsh, speaking from a couch she claims to have "merged with" sometime around December 26th. "Then I checked my phone and it said Thursday. But also, what is Thursday? What are any of these words?"

The phenomenon, which occurs annually between December 25th and January 2nd, is characterized by workers who technically have jobs but have entered a dissociative state where LinkedIn does not exist and Slack notifications are theoretical concepts rather than urgent demands.

Studies show that during this period, the average American worker:

• Checks email exactly zero times (with a margin of error of also zero)
• Wears the same outfit for an average of 4.7 consecutive days
• Achieves peak refrigerator-grazing efficiency
• Develops an intimate relationship with at least one streaming service
• Successfully forgets their manager's name

"What Year Is It?" Becomes Nation's Most-Asked Question

Sociologists have noted a sharp increase in citizens asking "Wait, is it still 2025?" followed immediately by "Oh right, 2026, that doesn't sound real" — a conversational pattern researchers have termed "calendar denial syndrome."

The disorientation extends to basic concepts of weekly structure. When surveyed, 73% of respondents could not correctly identify the current day of the week, with popular guesses including "Blursday," "The One After Christmas," and "Who Cares, I'm Not Going Anywhere."

Corporate America Pretends Week Exists

Despite overwhelming evidence that the Dead Zone is essentially a nationwide collective hallucination, several corporations have maintained the fiction that work is happening.

"We're operating at full capacity," claimed a spokesperson for a Fortune 500 company, speaking from what appeared to be a closet. When pressed on why the company's stock ticker showed a flatline of activity, she clarified: "Full capacity during the Dead Zone means one person checking if the servers are on fire. They are not. That is full capacity."

HR departments nationwide have reported a surge in "out of office" auto-replies that have achieved new levels of honesty, including:

• "I am out of office and out of the concept of office entirely"
• "I will respond to your email when time resumes"
• "For urgent matters, please reconsider whether they are actually urgent"
• "I am physically present but spiritually at a beach"

Scientists Confirm: This Week Doesn't Count

In a landmark study published in the Journal of Temporal Irrelevance, researchers have confirmed what workers have long suspected: nothing that happens between December 25th and January 2nd has any lasting consequences.

"Our data shows that calories consumed during this period do not metabolize normally," explained lead researcher Dr. Marcus Chen. "Similarly, episodes of television watched do not count toward your annual screen time, and any questionable life decisions are automatically pardoned by the universe."

The study also found that the Dead Zone operates under its own unique physics, where:

• 8 AM and 8 PM are functionally identical
• Breakfast can occur at any hour and may consist of pie
• Showering is optional if you're not leaving the house (you're not)
• The concept of "being productive" becomes philosophically meaningless

At press time, millions of Americans were reportedly staring at a wall, wondering if they should start that New Year's resolution now or wait until "real January" begins, whenever that is.

Contributing: The Associated Press, The Bureau of Labor Statistics (on vacation), That One Coworker Who's Still Responding To Emails For Some Reason