Nobel Peace Prize Recipient Thanks Man Who Later Bombs Her Country

Venezuelan opposition leader Maria Corina Machado, who won the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize and promptly dedicated the prestigious award to Donald Trump, watched Saturday as the object of her gratitude bombed her country, captured its president from his bedroom at 2 AM, and announced the United States would "run" Venezuela indefinitely. The dedication, made just three weeks ago in Oslo, has set a new land-speed record for a Nobel Peace Prize acknowledgment aging poorly.

"The time has come for popular sovereignty," Machado declared in a statement released hours after U.S. airstrikes lit up Caracas, apparently untroubled by the semantic gymnastics required to connect "peace prize" with "military invasion." The Nobel Committee could not be reached for comment, though sources say several members were seen updating their definitions of "peace" on Wikipedia.

The operation, code-named "Absolute Resolve" in what appears to be the military's attempt at ironic understatement, saw U.S. Delta Forces drag President Nicolas Maduro and his wife from their bedroom while the lights in Caracas were shut off. The President of the United States confirmed he watched the entire extraction from his Florida beach resort, describing the violent overthrow of a sovereign nation as "literally like watching a television show" and praising "how perfectly the equipment worked."

When reached by phone, Trump told The New York Times it was "a brilliant operation, actually," suggesting that the constitutional concerns raised by members of Congress were the complaints of "weak, stupid people" who should instead try saying "great job."

The first official image of captured dictator Maduro showed him in a gray Nike tracksuit, handcuffed, blindfolded with noise-canceling headphones, clutching a single bottle of water aboard the USS Iwo Jima. The aesthetic—extraordinary rendition meets airport lounge—has sparked debate about whether Nike's "Just Do It" slogan extends to regime change. The company has not commented.

Florida Representative Carlos Gimenez declared the bedroom kidnapping "this hemisphere's equivalent to the Fall of the Berlin Wall," a comparison that positions the nighttime abduction of a man in pajamas alongside the peaceful reunification of a nation divided for 28 years by concrete and ideology. Gimenez did not clarify which wall had fallen in this scenario, though several in Caracas are now missing.

Perhaps most remarkably, the entire operation had been predicted five days earlier by a group of Peruvian shamans who gathered on a Lima beach, consumed hallucinogenic ayahuasca and San Pedro cactus, and successfully forecast Maduro's fall. Lead shaman Ana Maria Simeon stated: "We asked Trump to remove him, and we visualized it." The shamans—who also correctly predicted Alberto Fujimori's death in 2023—have now outperformed the CIA at a fraction of the budget, suggesting the intelligence community may want to reconsider its substances.

"We're going to run the country now," Trump declared at a press conference at his Mar-a-Lago resort, flanked by Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. When asked how long the United States would operate Venezuela, he clarified: "Until such time as a proper transition can take place." He did not specify what "proper" meant, though he did warn remaining Venezuelan officials that "what happened to Maduro can happen to them"—a statement delivered with the energy of a restaurant manager explaining the parking validation policy.

Maduro's post-capture journey reads like the world's most exclusive travel package: dragged from bedroom, transferred to USS Iwo Jima, brief stop at Guantanamo Bay, FBI aircraft to Manhattan federal court (estimated arrival: Monday). All-inclusive, non-refundable, no checked bags. Attorney General Pam Bondi announced the couple would face "the full wrath of American justice on American soil in American courts"—"wrath" now apparently a measurable legal unit.

Meanwhile, Venezuelan Vice President Delcy Rodriguez, after demanding "proof of life" for Maduro via state television, reportedly fled to Russia. The backup dictatorship, it seems, has its own backup plan.

"We will make the great people of Venezuela very rich," Trump promised, announcing U.S. oil companies would "spend billions" on Venezuelan infrastructure. This followed adviser Stephen Miller's December statement that America "created the oil industry in Venezuela" and therefore it "should belong to the US"—a theory of property rights previously untested outside of playground disputes and, apparently, international relations.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio closed the press conference with what observers described as either a mission statement or a threat: "Welcome to 2026, and under President Trump, America is back." He did not specify where America had been, though Venezuela now knows where it is going.

The Nobel Committee, reached late Saturday, declined to comment on whether "peace" could be redefined to include "pieces," but sources say several members have begun drafting a new category: "The Nobel Prize for Optimistic Dedications That Age Poorly." Machado is reportedly the frontrunner.

As of press time, Maduro was last seen in a gray Nike tracksuit, holding a water bottle, somewhere between Guantanamo Bay and the Southern District of New York. His wife was reportedly nearby. The weather, sources confirm, was perfect.