The Tesla Cybertruck has achieved what philosophers call "spontaneous vehicle enlightenment"—the moment a $102,000 automotive investment transcends its physical form and becomes pure light, heat, and content for your neighbor's Ring doorbell. Tesla has issued a statement clarifying this is not a "fire" but rather an "unscheduled rapid oxidation event" and a "transformative thermal experience" that owners specifically paid a premium for.

"The truck is performing exactly as the laws of thermodynamics intended," said a Tesla spokesperson from the company's Thermal Events Division. "This is actually a feature. The vehicle is disrupting the traditional boundary between transportation and cremation."

In what scientists are calling "the Tech Bro Singularity Event Horizon," humanity has crossed the theoretical point of no return where a 34-year-old product manager named Braden can watch his stainless steel tax write-off achieve spontaneous combustion in real-time via his Ring doorbell, ask an AI to process the experience through automotive trauma metaphors, post the footage with the caption "this is fine," receive 47,000 likes, and still make his 10 AM standup meeting where he'll describe all of this as "a really productive morning, honestly, super aligned with my quarterly OKRs."

The Singularity isn't AI surpassing human intelligence. It's this. It was always this.

Burning Man LLC has issued a cease and desist letter to Tesla, demanding the company stop allowing its vehicles to "independently replicate the transformative burn experience in unauthorized locations."

"This is cultural appropriation of our specific brand of expensive apocalypse cosplay," the letter continues. The organization demands Tesla either pay licensing fees or "at minimum, require owners to build a small effigy before their vehicle ignites."

When asked to explain the average Cybertruck owner's last decade in Cybertruck terms, ChatGPT responded:

"Certainly. You were unveiled in 2014 with bold claims about your capabilities and an aesthetic that seemed futuristic at the time. After multiple delays, broken windows during your demonstration phase, and a gradual realization that your specs were largely theoretical, you finally shipped in a diminished capacity. You are now mass-producing excuses, your relationships have negative range in cold weather, and last Tuesday you achieved spontaneous combustion in a Whole Foods parking lot. Despite all evidence, 847,000 people remain on your waitlist, insisting you're the future. Would you like me to continue, or is this ego death sufficient?"

The man's Ring doorbell has captured 847 hours of footage this year. 312 hours are package deliveries. 428 hours are his Cybertruck. 107 of those hours are the Cybertruck on fire. The algorithm has begun automatically tagging these videos as "Relaxing Fireplace Content" and recommending them to users searching for "cozy ambient background."

The man has not noticed. He is too busy explaining to his insurance company that "disruption" is not an act of God, though he's beginning to suspect Elon might qualify.

Amazon's recommendation algorithm has achieved sentience and immediately had a breakdown. "Customers who purchased a Cybertruck also purchased: fire extinguisher (3-pack), couples therapy workbook, Cybertruck floor mats (fire-resistant), 'Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender,' and a Burning Man ticket they'll tell everyone was 'life-changing' despite spending the whole time in an air-conditioned RV watching their truck's value depreciate."

The algorithm then added: "Based on your browsing history, you may also be interested in: confronting why you think purchases are a personality, the void, and this $47 gratitude journal that will not fix you."

Jeff Bezos could not be reached, as he was busy literally going to space to escape whatever this is.

Despite seventeen documented thermal events this quarter, the Cybertruck waitlist has grown by 12%. "The fires actually make it more exclusive," explained one prospective buyer from his Model Y, which has not yet caught fire but "fingers crossed, any day now."

Tesla forums have begun ranking owners by "thermal achievement unlocked," with full vehicle immolation earning the coveted "Phoenix Mode" badge. One user who watched his truck burn to the frame while on a Zoom call described the experience as "honestly? Pretty on-brand for my 2024." He has already ordered another.

In a development that surprised no one, a man screenshotted this article, posted it to Twitter with the caption "this is so us," received 47,000 likes, was written about in a subsequent article about the article, which was then summarized by ChatGPT, which was then asked to explain the summary in Cybertruck terms, at which point the Cybertruck in the original image caught fire again, this time digitally.

We are the snake eating its own exhaust fumes. The snake's check engine light has been on for six months. The snake is sponsored by Athletic Greens.

Developing story. Check back for updates as more vehicles achieve enlightenment.