A groundbreaking new study from the Institute for Workplace Honesty has revealed what employees have long suspected: a staggering 94% of companies that describe their workplace as having "great culture" are, in fact, operating conditions indistinguishable from a medieval siege. The remaining 6%, researchers noted with visible concern, are "somehow worse—we found one that's just bees."

The study, which surveyed over 10,000 workers across multiple industries, found a stunning correlation between companies using the word "synergy" in job postings and those requiring employees to form actual phalanx formations during budget meetings. "The data doesn't lie," said lead researcher Dr. Helena Voss, ducking as a flaming arrow sailed past her Zoom background. "Though HR departments certainly do."

"The trebuchet was a team-building exercise. The fact that it launched the entire accounting department was an unfortunate miscalibration."

— Jennifer Morrison, HR Director, Synergy Solutions Inc.

Perhaps most alarming was the discovery that companies offering "unlimited PTO" technically aren't lying—deceased employees do, in fact, accrue infinite vacation days. "It's generous when you think about it," explained one startup CEO, gesturing vaguely at a motivational poster that appeared to be splattered with something. "Very forward-thinking policy."

Glassdoor reviews have emerged as a key indicator of workplace conditions, with the study's most helpful review reading: "3 stars - Great culture, manageable bloodshed, would recommend if you have combat training." The reviewer, who asked to remain anonymous due to ongoing hostage negotiations with their manager, added that "the pizza party almost made up for the siege."

"When they said cross-functional team, I didn't realize they meant I'd need to physically cross a battlefield to reach my function," reported one surviving analyst, speaking from behind what appeared to be a barricade of motivational posters and empty La Croix cans. "The open floor plan ensures no scream goes unheard. Facilities says that's a feature."

The study also examined specific corporate euphemisms and their real-world translations. "Fast-paced environment," for instance, was found to mean the velocity required to outrun quarterly performance reviews: approximately 14 mph. Meanwhile, "'We're like a family here' now legally requires companies to specify WHICH family," noted employment lawyer Patricia Chen. "Medicis, Lannisters, and Romanovs are most commonly cited."

One particularly damning revelation involved the beloved office pizza party, long considered the cornerstone of employee morale. "The pizza party was meant to boost morale," sighed one HR director, watching through her office window as employees fashioned the boxes into makeshift armor. "Instead, it just gave them more resources for the barricades."

"Our 'no meeting Fridays' policy exists solely because that's when the raids happen."

— Anonymous employee, via carrier pigeon from behind filing cabinet

Exit interviews, the study found, are now conducted as actual exits—through windows, while fleeing. "Competitive salary" was decoded to mean employees must literally compete; winner takes salary, loser takes "valuable learning experience" and, in 34% of cases, a decorative wound.

The report concludes with recommendations that HR departments describe "hot-desking" more accurately, as "your desk may literally be on fire when you arrive." It also suggests that job listings requiring "self-starters" clarify this means "solo survival skills" and that references to "growth opportunities" specify "growth of your trauma."